STATE COLLEGE, Penn. – In a move to “change the culture” at Pennsylvania State University, the school’s new football coach, James Franklin, announced during his introductory press conference that he would refrain from showering until the end of the 2014 football season.
“We need to distance ourselves from the taint of the Sandusky era,” said Franklin, who described feeling ill when he first learned of Sandusky’s practice of sexually abusing children in Penn State locker-room showers for over a decade – acts that earned him 30 to 60 years in prison. “And from both a legal and practical standpoint, this goal can only be achieved by one simple measure: no more showers.”
To no avail, Franklin has begun to recruit members of his coaching staff to join in his shower sabbatical venture. “For now, I’m all alone. But I’m confident they’ll hop on board the stink train once they realize it’s a great way to shield the Penn State administration from future liability,” said Franklin. “The fewer coaches that shower, the less opportunity for awkward misunderstandings.”
Franklin, who most recently led the coaching staff at Vanderbilt University, also believes that staff unity at Penn State would strengthen immensely if every coach decided to partake in the boycott, “kind of like those hockey beards in the NHL.” He argued that such camaraderie would “lead to some much needed wins for Penn State Football,” a team that has been stripped of 40 (now 15) scholarships by the NCAA and is precluded from reaching a full 85-man roster until the 2016-2017 season, all punishment for the Sandusky child sex abuse scandal.
“If we somehow win 10 games next year, I’m sure the people who run in to me on a daily basis will gladly learn to stomach the scent of moldy cheese. My wife and kids, though – that’s another story,” Franklin continued. “I just hope Fumi doesn’t divorce me.”
