NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Sales
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
    • Life Insurance
    • Pet Insurance
    • Renters Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • Sports

Fresh From Scandal, Penn State Football Coach Refuses ‘Showers with the Boys’

  • January 16, 2014
  • NewsLo
  • No comments
  • 2 minute read
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

STATE COLLEGE, Penn. – In a move to “change the culture” at Pennsylvania State University, the school’s new football coach, James Franklin, announced during his introductory press conference that he would refrain from showering until the end of the 2014 football season.

“We need to distance ourselves from the taint of the Sandusky era,” said Franklin, who described feeling ill when he first learned of Sandusky’s practice of sexually abusing children in Penn State locker-room showers for over a decade – acts that earned him 30 to 60 years in prison. “And from both a legal and practical standpoint, this goal can only be achieved by one simple measure: no more showers.”

To no avail, Franklin has begun to recruit members of his coaching staff to join in his shower sabbatical venture.  “For now, I’m all alone. But I’m confident they’ll hop on board the stink train once they realize it’s a great way to shield the Penn State administration from future liability,” said Franklin. “The fewer coaches that shower, the less opportunity for awkward misunderstandings.”

Franklin, who most recently led the coaching staff at Vanderbilt University, also believes that staff unity at Penn State would strengthen immensely if every coach decided to partake in the boycott, “kind of like those hockey beards in the NHL.” He argued that such camaraderie would “lead to some much needed wins for Penn State Football,” a team that has been stripped of 40 (now 15) scholarships by the NCAA and is precluded from reaching a full 85-man roster until the 2016-2017 season, all punishment for the Sandusky child sex abuse scandal.

“If we somehow win 10 games next year, I’m sure the people who run in to me on a daily basis will gladly learn to stomach the scent of moldy cheese. My wife and kids, though – that’s another story,” Franklin continued. “I just hope Fumi doesn’t divorce me.”

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • news humor and satire
  • Newslo
  • Newslo Penn State
  • Penn State
NewsLo

Previous Article
#NNTS: Va. GOP candidate: Spousal rape isn’t a crime if she is ‘wearing a nightie’ 1
  • NoNeedToSatirize
  • Today's Headlines

#NNTS: Va. GOP candidate: Spousal rape isn’t a crime if she is ‘wearing a nightie’

  • January 15, 2014
  • NewsLo
View Post
Next Article
Charles Manson Wins Lifetime Achievement Award 2
  • Entertainment
  • Today's Headlines

Charles Manson Wins Lifetime Achievement Award

  • January 16, 2014
  • NewsLo
View Post
You May Also Like
Sports Broadcasting
View Post
  • Media
  • Sports

Sports Broadcasting – Its popularity and Impact in South Korea

  • NewsLo
  • February 4, 2020
Conway Calls To Prohibit Golden State From Winning The Championship Unless They Come Celebrate In The White House “Like The Law Says” 3
View Post
  • Featured
  • Sports
  • Sports Feature

Conway Calls To Prohibit Golden State From Winning The Championship Unless They Come Celebrate In The White House “Like The Law Says”

  • NewsLo
  • June 13, 2017
Russell Westbrook To Launch New Social Network Named “WestBook” Intended “Only For Extraordinary People” 4
View Post
  • Sports
  • Featured
  • Sports Feature

Russell Westbrook To Launch New Social Network Named “WestBook” Intended “Only For Extraordinary People”

  • NewsLo
  • March 17, 2017
Fiorina Compares Trump To Shaquille O’Neal: “Impossible To Hate Him Because He Beat The Black Mamba” 5
View Post
  • Sports
  • Latest Lies
  • Politics
  • Sports Feature

Fiorina Compares Trump To Shaquille O’Neal: “Impossible To Hate Him Because He Beat The Black Mamba”

  • NewsLo
  • December 12, 2016
Rep. Lee Zeldin: “Decades Of Peace Ended When Colin Kaepernick Invited These Muslim Terrorists Back To The U.S.” 6
View Post
  • Featured
  • Sports
  • Sports Feature

Rep. Lee Zeldin: “Decades Of Peace Ended When Colin Kaepernick Invited These Muslim Terrorists Back To The U.S.”

  • NewsLo
  • September 19, 2016
ESPN Paul Finebaum: “We Let Black People Participate In Our Sports, But Now They Think They Own Them” 7
View Post
  • Sports
  • Featured
  • Sports Feature

ESPN Paul Finebaum: “We Let Black People Participate In Our Sports, But Now They Think They Own Them”

  • NewsLo
  • September 1, 2016
Pastor Swanson: “Team USA Women’s Basketball Gold Medal Doesn’t Count Because They’re All Lesbians” 8
View Post
  • Featured
  • Latest Lies
  • Sports
  • Sports Feature

Pastor Swanson: “Team USA Women’s Basketball Gold Medal Doesn’t Count Because They’re All Lesbians”

  • NewsLo
  • August 20, 2016
NRA Calls To Boycott NBA: “Those Black Players Think They Can Shoot Better Than Us White Guys” 9
View Post
  • Featured
  • Sports
  • Sports Feature

NRA Calls To Boycott NBA: “Those Black Players Think They Can Shoot Better Than Us White Guys”

  • NewsLo
  • December 27, 2015

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.