It’s a Sunday night and Steve made Hormel chili and peanut butter sandwiches and told me, “Honey, it’s Game of Thrones night.” I wasn’t sure what a game of thrones is, but it sounded like the kind of dork bullshit that has kept Steve on unemployment the last six months. He says, “I’m working on a novel,” or “I’m sketching a story for a video game.”
I said, “I have a master’s degree in clinical psychology; I’m not watching a show about dragons.”
But he begged and said that this fantasy garbage is a Band-Aid over the cruel wounds dealt by an unjust world picking his scabs. I weighed leaving him. The hassle of finding a new place, separating our stuff, and getting a roommate seemed like at least a few days of work.
So I watched the show.
It seems to occur in England some time around the invasion of the Vikings, but with dragons and magic. Also, don’t call it Game of Gnomes. I thought it was called Game of Gnomes, because there are gnomes in it, or dwarves, or trolls maybe. Anyhow, it’s Game of Thrones and if you say something else you’ll get a whole message board of dweeb squawking at you. (That’s the formal term for a herd of dweeb.)
I would have called it Cloaks & Swords, which would let you know what you’re getting into. If you don’t like cloaks and swords, don’t watch this show. There are an alarming number of both on this show.
I haven’t watched the first two seasons, so this episode was a little confusing, but here’s what happens: Everyone seems to be at war with everyone else. Zombies are invading the renaissance faire. All the children are pretty lonely. And people like to talk about very specific things as broadly as possible.
They’ll say things like, “I won’t let the same thing that happened to my father happen to my brother in the north, mother.” I cannot help but think that these people have names, right? And the places. Can’t you just say, “My brother Steve, up in Canada? Yeah, you know him. Steve. Has the beard, wears a cloak. Yeah, that one.”
Anyway, there’s lots of that stuff. Everyone rides horses too. I don’t think technology exists in this world. It’s hard to know. Like, if we come back in a hundred years, I don’t think these people are going to have cars and electric blenders. They’re still going to be riding horses, wearing cloaks, pooping in wood boxes and talking like they work at Game Stop. If you like that sort of thing I guess this seems perfect for you.
Oh, and what’s different about this particular fantasy show set in sort of medieval times, but where everyone has British accents is that there is lots of nudity and sex, because it’s on HBO. But I stuck it out and it could have been worse, I guess. So, you know, shove a quidditch stick up your ass, get out your best Spock ears, and rub one out: It’s sexy time with the local wench, all the time.