Game of Thrones, As Viewed by Some Girl Whose Boyfriend Made Her Watch It

It’s a Sunday night and Steve made Hormel chili and peanut butter sandwiches and told me, “Honey, it’s Game of Thrones night.”  I wasn’t sure what a game of thrones is, but it sounded like the kind of dork bullshit that has kept Steve on unemployment the last six months. He says, “I’m working on a novel,” or “I’m sketching a story for a video game.”

I said, “I have a master’s degree in clinical psychology; I’m not watching a show about dragons.”

But he begged and said that this fantasy garbage is a Band-Aid over the cruel wounds dealt by an unjust world picking his scabs. I weighed leaving him. The hassle of finding a new place, separating our stuff, and getting a roommate seemed like at least a few days of work.

So I watched the show.

It seems to occur in England some time around the invasion of the Vikings, but with dragons and magic. Also, don’t call it Game of Gnomes. I thought it was called Game of Gnomes, because there are gnomes in it, or dwarves, or trolls maybe. Anyhow, it’s Game of Thrones and if you say something else you’ll get a whole message board of dweeb squawking at you. (That’s the formal term for a herd of dweeb.)

I would have called it Cloaks & Swords, which would let you know what you’re getting into. If you don’t like cloaks and swords, don’t watch this show. There are an alarming number of both on this show.

I haven’t watched the first two seasons, so this episode was a little confusing, but here’s what happens: Everyone seems to be at war with everyone else. Zombies are invading the renaissance faire. All the children are pretty lonely. And people like to talk about very specific things as broadly as possible.

They’ll say things like, “I won’t let the same thing that happened to my father happen to my brother in the north, mother.” I cannot help but think that these people have names, right? And the places. Can’t you just say, “My brother Steve, up in Canada? Yeah, you know him. Steve. Has the beard, wears a cloak. Yeah, that one.”

Anyway, there’s lots of that stuff. Everyone rides horses too. I don’t think technology exists in this world. It’s hard to know. Like, if we come back in a hundred years, I don’t think these people are going to have cars and electric blenders. They’re still going to be riding horses, wearing cloaks, pooping in wood boxes and talking like they work at Game Stop. If you like that sort of thing I guess this seems perfect for you.

Oh, and what’s different about this particular fantasy show set in sort of medieval times, but where everyone has British accents is that there is lots of nudity and sex, because it’s on HBO. But I stuck it out and it could have been worse, I guess. So, you know, shove a quidditch stick up your ass, get out your best Spock ears, and rub one out: It’s sexy time with the local wench, all the time.

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  • Avatar of Bethany Amy Lois Lysak
    Bethany Amy Lois Lysak
    Posted April 8, 2013 at 11:26 am 0Likes

    I’m sorry, I am a nerd, a gamer, an Otaku.. All that happy jazz. I enjoy the whole cloaks and swords thing. I love it. But this review made me laugh so hard.

    “I weighed leaving him. The hassle of finding a new place, separating our stuff, and getting a roommate seemed like at least a few days of work.

    So I watched the show.”

    That was the funniest line. But still, you are a trooper, and even a “dweeb” can enjoy such a review, given they have a sense of humor. (:

  • Avatar of Arador
    Posted April 10, 2013 at 3:22 pm 0Likes

    I played D&D before it was cool, I also love Fantasy and SciFi. With that said though I have to tell you I tried to read these books and watch the series but all it did was give me a headache. I had to stop reading part of the way into the second book before my head exploded. The series was visually pleasing but it still had the mindlessness of the books. My biggest complaint is that it seems all the good guys sat around discussing “What are the stupidest things we can do?” and then went out and did them.

  • Avatar of fthisb
    Posted April 17, 2013 at 5:52 pm 0Likes

    The bitch who wrote this does not have a degree in clinical psychology. If she did, she would be able to comprehend why people enjoy stories like Game Of Thrones (Which she doesn’t.) and wouldn’t be a whining bitch about having to watch it.

  • Avatar of Anthony Muhye
    Anthony Muhye
    Posted April 17, 2013 at 5:53 pm 0Likes

    This should have ended “Anyway, back to the kitchen for me, duty calls” and it would have been perfect. 4/5.

  • Avatar of Nicholas Barkley
    Nicholas Barkley
    Posted April 17, 2013 at 5:59 pm 0Likes

    you sound like thee most uppity bitch. your boyfriend wanted to share something he enjoys with you and all you do is complain and talk about your degree and how it makes you above a television show.

  • Avatar of Zorbas
    Posted April 22, 2013 at 5:54 pm 0Likes

    Games of Thrones is shit

    • Avatar of Frank
      Posted May 30, 2013 at 12:39 pm 0Likes

      you are shit

  • Avatar of Stannis' take on Relationships
    Stannis' take on Relationships
    Posted April 29, 2013 at 3:33 pm 0Likes

    Seems as though he should have weighed leaving you and to alone with game of thrones. The hassle of separating your belongings, finding a new place and a room-mate or a new girlfriend that hopefully shares his interest in the matter would have been worth it. Hope this helps.

  • Avatar of Laura
    Posted April 29, 2013 at 4:49 pm 0Likes

    Dear boyfriend, what are you doing with her?

  • Avatar of Marjorie Lamarche
    Marjorie Lamarche
    Posted May 16, 2013 at 4:06 pm 0Likes

    “I haven’t watched the first two seasons, so this episode was a little confusing”……YOU DON’T SAY

  • Avatar of Merc
    Posted May 25, 2013 at 12:36 pm 0Likes

    A master’s degree in clinical psychology isn’t that prestigious: get over yourself, hun.

    Further, your sense of humor is a bit off. Even if you are exaggerating your confusion over the content of the show, you still seem like a vapid cunt.

  • Avatar of Ozair
    Posted May 25, 2013 at 12:38 pm 0Likes

    Her name is Dustin?

  • Avatar of sandeep
    Posted June 1, 2013 at 2:22 pm 0Likes

    Wasted two minutes of my precious time.Go and watch Twilight

  • Avatar of Mary Hèlèn Howell
    Mary Hèlèn Howell
    Posted June 1, 2013 at 2:31 pm 0Likes

    Written by Dustin Nelson
    Most people don’t seem to read who the writers are for these things.

  • Avatar of Devia Vyne
    Devia Vyne
    Posted June 12, 2013 at 3:14 pm 0Likes

    wow … psychology = behaviourism … perhaps you could stand some quiet time and self reflection, sounds like you got a serious hate-on for the BF at the moment and are taking it out on the world GF – and guess what – it ain’t sexy – get singel and do try to put the attitude on the back burner it extinguishes your sex appeal …

  • Avatar of Angela
    Posted June 12, 2013 at 3:37 pm 0Likes

    Dang, calm down, people! It’s plain to see that this was not meant to be taking seriously. Yikes. I enjoy the show but I also have a sense of humor…and a life. I bet her boyfriend got a kick out of this. Yikes. Some of you might actually need to seek professional help.

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