PARIS – France on Tuesday became the 14th country on Earth to legalize marriage for all couples, regardless of sexual orientation or gender. In fact, analysts say, the consummated nuptials of two women or two men – provided there are indeed only two – would be a new base line for regular intimacy in the Fifth Republic.
With the support of a majority of the French population, the legislature and Socialist President Francois Hollande, marriage equality advocates are hailing the milestone in Paris as a new breakthrough in “liberté, égalité, fraternité,” and several activists stopped humping their maids and au pairs to issue congratulations. André Caranan, leader of Equality Pour Tous, wiped sweat from his brow as he spoke of “France again shining the light” for individualism.
“When I heard the news, I was tickle-torturing the cleaning woman I screw because she reminds me of my mother,” Caranan said. “Her skin is like chalky death. She holds me until cruel dawn lights the mist on the Seine, but then, just like mama, she is gone. She is gone. My point is, who are we to tell two consenting adults they can’t declare their love?”
Happy (for France) gay couples lined up for marriage certificates and champagne flowed freely at the discothèques. Transgender prostitutes in the Seventh and Eighth Arrondissements offered two-for-one deals for newlyweds. One lesbian couple was gleefully providing tourists directions to “[their] Arc de Triomphe.”
Not everyone in Paris was happy about the news, however. Catholic and Muslim religious leaders have spoken out against the change, former President Nicolas Sarkozy’s Union for a Popular Movement party is unenthused and protesters over the weekend numbered in the tens of thousands.
“This sends a dangerous message,” said conservative activist Guillaume Hoche. “The next time I’m at a stylish but soulless orgy, elbow-deep in two men at once, how do I know one of them won’t turn around, remove his ball gag and ask me to marry him? Call me old fashioned, but I think weddings are for aging heiresses and their barely legal boy-toys.”
Hoche added: “I’m a sexually active Frenchman, for God’s sake! I have no interest in marriage.”