Gay SEC Football Player, Snow Heralded by Georgia as Signs of Christ’s Imminent Return

ATLANTA — President Barack Obama declared an emergency in Georgia Tuesday, ordering federal agencies to help with state and local responses to what is being called a ‘‘catastrophic’’ winter storm that is threatening to bring a thick layer of ice to Georgia and other parts of the South. The storm could potentially cause widespread power outages, leaving people in the dark for days.

Citizens of the Peach State have greeted the winter warning with good cheer, however, declaring that the storm—in conjunction with the Southeastern Conference’s Defensive Player of the Year, Michael Sam, coming out as gay—are unmistakable signs that the prophecies of the Book of Revelation are coming true, and the final battle between good and evil is upon the world.

“First snow cometh to the land of Georgia, and now a homo hath played football in the SEC,” noted Gary Gladwell, 49, a Canton Biblical scholar. “It’s as the good book foretold—we are near the end of days.”

In their warnings, National Weather Service forecasters cited potentially crippling snow and ice accumulations as much as three-quarters of an inch from Atlanta to central South Carolina. Wind gusts up to 30 mph could exacerbate problems.

Georgia governor Nathan Deal said early Tuesday that his office would make no attempt to mitigate the prologue for the ultimate showdown between God and the Antichrist, declaring that the best thing for Georgians to do would be to “get right with Jesus.”

“Renounce your wicked ways and put your faith in He who shed His blood on the cross,” Deal’s statement read. “For a first team all-SEC selection lies with men as one lies with women; the Rapture is imminent.”

Aaron Wilkes, 28, of Augusta has been making his preparations for the end times ever since the paralyzing snowstorm that hit the region two weeks ago, hunkering down in his home with food, supplies, and ammunition.

“This is exactly what happened to Egypt when they refused to free the Jews,” Wilkes insisted. “Though instead of frogs, locusts, and three days of darkness, God’s punishment is roughly an inch of snow. Way I see it, if the Navy SEALs and the SEC both got queers now, there’s nobody on earth you can trust except yourself.”

While the Apocalypse promises to bring suffering and hardship for those that live through it, Atlanta resident and born again Christian Samantha Nixon, 33, said she looks forward to leaving this troubled world to ascend into heaven, where “they don’t give people health care for free.”

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