Genealogists Still Baffled by Unsightly Offspring of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore

ST. LOUIS — Genealogists at The Genome Institute in St. Louis continue to be befuddled by the unexpectedly brutish faces of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s three daughters.

Scientific interest in Rumer, Scout and Tallulah Willis began in the mid-90s, when The Genome Institute used age-progression technology to determine that Tallulah would likely inherit Bruce Willis’s strong jawline and Demi Moore’s original nose. Their findings confirmed that the now divorced actors’ brood represents a genuine genealogical anomaly, rather than a mere coincidence.

Setting down a photo of Rumer Willis, head researcher Dr. Hahnfeld shook his head and muttered, “It’s like Kristen Stewart got bit on the face by one of those giant ticks from ‘Cloverfield.’”

Covering up these unsightly mutations has cost hundreds of thousands of dollars for Willis and Moore, who are luckily able to afford the best professional make-up artists in Hollywood. It has been reported that each daughter must undergo a full four hours of make-up before completing tasks as simple as visiting a supermarket. Ron Perlman’s face required roughly the same amount of cosmetics application during the production of “Hellboy.”

Still, the research has not been entirely unfruitful: The Genome Institute can now confidently predict that each of the girls will have gone completely bald by age 35.