KABUL, Afghanistan — After Britain’s Prince Harry’s recent acknowledgement that he killed Taliban insurgents on his latest tour of duty in Iraq, General Sir David Richards, military chief of the United Kingdom, told reporters yesterday that he deeply regrets jokingly identifying an Afghan wedding party as a Taliban regiment to the Prince during a recent patrol. “The Prince was moaning about how bloody dull the day had been, so I nudged him in the ribs and said ‘well, don’t look now, but there’s a nasty rag-head regiment right under your feet,’” said General Richards. “I had no idea he’d open fire.”
Prince Harry, who has consistently drawn praise for his excellent marksmanship skills as a co-pilot gunner throughout his tours of duty, proceeded to unload on the gathering from his hovering Apache helicopter. He successfully gunned down a large number of wedding guests and literally shredding the groom in half with machine gun fire, splattering his dark, crimson blood all over the bride’s otherwise immaculate white wedding gown.
Instantly aware of his mistake, General Richards took the rest of the Apache’s crew aside and ordered them to continue the charade. “I made sure to penetrate the haze of unmitigated horror they were each going through and impress upon them the importance of ensuring that Prince Harry was forever unaware of the magnitude of his war crime,” he said. “Though it was difficult for the boys to hear me over the deafening roar of Prince Harry’s 30mm machine gun, which he had just reloaded.”
In all, Prince Harry senselessly murdered 27 Afghans who had gathered that morning to celebrate what was meant to be one of the happiest, most joyful days of their lives. He also maimed an additional 53. “The Prince was in a zone,” admitted Captain Reginald Donaldson, who was flying with Prince Harry at the time. “He took pride in popping the heads off of children with a single shot, and then carving his initials in their corpses with a hail of well-placed machine gun fire. After vomiting from the sheer inhumanity of it, I was able to sit back and appreciate his skill.”
“Of course, then General Richards had to explain why the Taliban were training so many midgets,” added Donaldson.
General Richards says he accepts full responsibility for Prince Harry’s massacre. “He may be my Prince, but he was under my command and, in retrospect, I was wrong. I was wrong to tell him those people were Taliban soldiers. I was wrong for not stopping him the instant he brought the machine gun around to bear on his targets. I was wrong to assist him in reloading it after he’d emptied the cartridge into their bloated, well-dressed bodies.”
He wiped a single tear from his eye before finishing, “It was not my best day.”
