BERLIN – Edward Snowden, the former NSA contractor who has found asylum in Russia, was recently granted honorary security clearance by the German government for his role in exposing surveillance practices of the United States.
“In our eyes, he is a friend, a hero, and an ally,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who has been the target of alleged NSA surveillance herself. “For his brave actions, he’ll have unfettered access to all government intel, which includes military strategy, economic planning, and the secret compounds where government officials watch the German national football team on TV while having access to unlimited Kolsch beer and mouth-watering schnitzel.”
“The strudel factory in Cologne will still be off limits to him,” continued Merkel, speaking of the anonymous, Michelin-rated pastry compound that is only open to high-ranking government officials. “It’s only honorary clearance, so we had to draw the line somewhere.”
The decision to grant Snowden clearance came after the University of Rostock awarded him an honorary doctorate for his “outstanding academic achievement” in shedding light on U.S. surveillance measures. She called the moment an “inspiring occasion.”
“Frankly, honorary degrees and security clearance aren’t enough for people like Edward,” said Merkel. “America has marginalized him, making him feel small, feeble, and insignificant. Yet he has withstood the pressure like any German would. He’s a champion.”
Merkel went on to say that while Snowden may “feel small” in Germany, it will be in a literal rather than figurative sense.
“It feels good to be welcomed,” said Snowden. “Everyone there might be tall and look like Leonardo DiCaprio with those piercing blue eyes and stunning cheek bones, and I may be a squirrely and smarmy dweeb, but I still feel like I’m one of them. Danke schoen, Deutschland.”
Snowden also said he’s excited to explore not only top-secret locations in Germany, but also its “verdant pastures and rolling hills.”
“It’s a beautiful place,” said Snowden. “Much prettier than bleak Russia. Speaking of which, I have to break the news to Putin. If he chastises me for abandoning him, which is a distinct possibility, I’ll just go ahead and share secrets about his surveillance practices. Sorry, Vlad.”
Snowden wouldn’t divulge what those secrets might be, but he did drop a hint, saying he had footage of “certain shirtless WWE wrestlers in rehearsal.”