Ghost of Ayn Rand Materializes in Washington to Chastise Senator Paul

WASHINGTON — The spirit of deceased philosopher, novelist and political activist Ayn Rand returned to the material realm today in order to scold Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) for recently giving the US Treasury $600k. Ms. Rand’s ranting, spectral form followed Senator Paul around Washington, berating him during a donor luncheon, a conference call with the NRA and even a committee meeting.

“Nyet, nyet, nyet!” the ghost shouted into an obviously-embarrassed Senator Paul’s face. “What was this you were thinking? Hm? You give them six hundred thousand dollars?! You feed the communist beast!”

“Please, Ms. Rand,” the Senator whispered at one point, after being followed into a Senate bathroom. “I love you, but, sheesh… I’m trying to go number two.”

Senator Paul—who was given the first name Rand by his father, Representative Ron Paul of Texas, in honor of Ayn Rand and her libertarian, Objectivist philosophy—recently gave the US Treasury $600k of his Senate office’s extra cash in order to symbolize how “feasible” budget reduction can be. The Senator tried to explain to Ms. Rand that his goal was to reduce the size of government, but, as he explained to reporters and paranormal enthusiasts, she “just isn’t getting it.”

“I guess I never realized how obstinate Ms. Rand was,” Senator Paul said, trying to speak over Ms. Rand’s Russian-accented diatribe , “She really sticks to her beliefs, despite counter evidence and the fact that she’s dead.”

Senate Security tried to remove the spook from the premises but were unable to handcuff the incorporeal being. Phone calls to Bill Murray, Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd begging for help went unanswered.