MINNEAPOLIS — According to local vegetarian Tim Gunderson, the ghost of still-living Food Network chef and butter aficionado Paula Deen visited him last night to show Gunderson the true meaning of Thanksgiving. While too portly to fly through Gunderson’s bedroom window, the ghost reportedly floated through the front door to help the 27-year-old digital designer see the error of his ways.
Gunderson relayed his account of the terrifying encounter on his blog, typically used for posting recipes for vegan chili and gluten-free breads. “Thanksgiving is about family, about coming together to show our gratitude for what we have and remembering those less fortunate,” Deen reportedly howled. “But more than that, it’s about jamming food in other food, and jamming that in your tum-tum.”
Though the ghost, like her earthly form, was largely amiable, Deen did become furious upon learning Gunderson did not know what a turducken was. “How can you show thanks for a bountiful harvest if not by ramming a chicken into a duck’s asshole, and then cornholing that mess into a full-size turkey?” the ghost demanded to know.
The corpulent phantom then transported Gunderson into the future to show him the guests he would disappoint by serving a Tofurky for dinner. “Unless you have inserted a Bud Light can into a once-living creature,” Deen advised, “and used that to infuse the bird with hoppy flavor, you don’t understand the reason for the season.”
The ghost also returned Gunderson to a happy, traditional Thanksgiving of his youth. “You want to play board games with your guests these days,” chided Deen, “but Thanksgiving is about pretending to like football to avoid family bonding time, remember?”
“I really learned a lot from the spirit,” said Gunderson. “I know now that Thanksgiving is about thoughtlessly stuffing your gravy-hole before falling into a tryptophan-induced food-coma. How could I have been so foolish?”
