Gitmo Detainees Dying to Find Out What Happens Next

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba – After President Obama stated yesterday that he plans on finally keeping his 2008 campaign promise to close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, the more than 160 prisoners at Gitmo are reportedly ‘dying’ to hear what the president has in store for them. The pledge comes as reports of suicide are rising at the prison and the most recent hunger strike by inmates had garnered international attention.

“Oh my, peace be upon him, I thought he forgot about us,” said Ibrahim Fauzee, who has been imprisoned in the island center since it opened in 2001. “A lot of us were beginning to give in to despair.  Whether it’s getting a day in court, competent representation or even just being able to see our loved ones again, so many of us are dying to hear what he has to say.”

“In fact,” said Fauzee, as he fashioned a noose out of bed sheets: “If something doesn’t happen soon I might die right here.”

Fellow detainee Hamed Paracha shared in the excitement, exclaiming, “I can’t wait to find out what happens next. Well…the more I think about it, I’ve been waiting for years for something – anything – to happen in this Orwellian hell-scape. I guess you could say waiting is the thing I’m best at these days.  I used to be pretty good at engineering.” Paracha’s, whose wife gave birth after he was detained, has never met his only child.

The news that the notorious prison’s days might finally be numbered is not welcome news to everyone, however. Abdul Zahir was a Taliban soldier when American forces near Kandahar, Afghanistan captured him in December of 2001. “I really felt like I let the ‘Ban down when I got caught, but I’ve always taken solace that it costs the American taxpayer nearly $1 million dollars a year for each prisoner here.” Zahir did mention that a trial might have an upside.

“I hear they make bobbleheads of defendants, is that true?  Do you think Nancy Grace would show up?”

Zahir did mention that his cellmate, Samir Naji al Hasan Moqbel, who recently wrote an op-ed for the NY Times, would be interested in what the President had to say, as he was “literally starving” for information about the status of the prison and its inmates. Unfortunately, Moqbel was in the midst of a 26 hour force feeding.

Families of the detainees around the world were also heartened by Obama’s pledge to close the prison, but it was the news that the American drone warfare program would continue that really had them “blown away.”