Recently, Glenn Beck unveiled one of the new formats that he’ll be using for his nightly television program. The recent program was the first of his “Think Tank” episodes in which he and several staff members sit around and discuss the news of the day. They kicked things off by attacking President Obama for supposedly thrashing America when he was on his recent trip to Laos, playing a clip of him saying that “America is not perfect. Look, it still has racial discrimination and it still has its own problems; it should worry about its own problems. And I agree with that.”
“You know, as time goes by, I’m having a harder and harder time figuring out how we let that man become President of the United States, from this distance it looks like he should have been thrown in jail for speaking against the country that made him what he is today,” Beck blasted away. “I’m not trying to say that we should be doing what China and North Korea are doing right now with communism, but at the end of the day, I don’t hear their presidents thrashing their own countries, at least not publically. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think they have no political problems at all. On the other hand, we’re drowning in them.”
“At the end of the day,” the conservative television and radio host continued, “there could be one logical explanation for why he hates this country so much. I mean, when you look at his past, his childhood and his upbringing, I mean, he didn’t have the typical childhood that American kids have. His grandparents moved to America when he was a kid and they were, you know, communists. So, he was breastfed this hatred towards American freedom from a very young age and it’s quite possible some of that stuck on as he grew up.”
Beck also argued, “Or, I could be wrong. Many would say that he’s a very intelligent and educated man, which in reality only makes him a schooled manipulator, if we’re being honest. But, I would disagree. I don’t think he’s particularly smart; in fact, I’d say he’s half-human, half-monkey. And you know how monkeys can be, you’ve all been to the zoo. They tend to display their so-called intelligence only when they’re in captivity. In the wilderness, they’re just spending their days eating, going to the bathroom and surviving. And that sounds pretty close to what our president has been doing during both his terms.”
“Whoops, I’m sorry, I lied,” the host abruptly stopped. “Actually, calling Obama a half-monkey is an insult…to monkeys, I mean. And I say that because monkeys take what they need from their natural habitat but they don’t damage or destroy it. They co-exist in a symbiotic relationship. Obama, on the other hand, has been doing nothing but bad things and bad decisions ever since he came to power. Name one good thing that he’s done since 2008. That’s right, you’ve got nothing. And I would hereby like to apologize to monkeys all over the world for the insult I made. I promise I’ll never again compare the most pitiful excuse for the President of America to monkeys or any other animal ever again,” he concluded.