Doctors: Glenn Beck Poisoned by Chalkboard Dust

DALLAS – Conservative television and radio host Glenn Beck yesterday claimed that, according to his doctors, he is “being poisoned.” Beck, who has suffered from a range of health problems over the last several years—many of them related to neuropathy—was initially told that his diet may be to blame, but more aggressive testing revealed that Beck’s body is “revolting” after years of exposure to “excessive amounts of chalkboard dust.”

Doctors at the Carrick Brain Center in Dallas confirmed Beck’s announcement, saying that the divisive political commentator suffers from a “rare allergy to calcium carbonate,” the main ingredient in chalk.

“Most people who develop this allergy don’t even realize it,” said Dr. Peter Sawyers. “It’s not easy to come into contact with enough chalk to cause symptoms.” But Sawyers noted that, during his several-year run on Fox News, Beck famously used a chalkboard to diagram conspiracy theories, and has upgraded to a supersized board and multicolored chalk since his move to TheBlaze.

“That orange chalk will really get ‘ya,” Sawyers noted.

“The anger with which he scribbles on that board almost certainly heightened the damage,” Sawyers said. “There’s chalk dust swirling throughout the studio, and most of the time he’s on the verge of hyperventilating, so he’s sucking in just enormous amounts of the stuff.”

Doctors say that Beck’s “obvious mental imbalances” could be related to his strange affinity for chalkboards, although it’s likely a “chicken-or-the-egg situation.” “Did he start using a chalkboard because he was mentally unstable, or did the chalkboard dust cause those insane ramblings? Unfortunately, we’ll probably never know.”

Beck himself has reportedly accepted the diagnosis, but doesn’t believe that the doctors “are telling the whole truth.” “I acknowledge my own role in my illness,” Beck said on his program Thursday. “But anyone with half a brain can see there’s more going on here. Have Obama’s minions been poisoning my chalk supply? Is the Antichrist hiding in our nation’s limestone? Let’s head to the board to hash this out.”