Glenn Beck’s Head Writer Resigns, Returns to Finish 9th Grade History

DALLAS — Glenn Beck’s radio program yesterday lost its long-time head writer amidst a growing turf war over historical revisionism in the media.

“When a program that claims to represent ‘the fusion of entertainment and enlightenment,’ devotes airtime to debating whether 90% accounts for a majority or not, I can’t help but question whether you’ve ever graduated high school,” Dr. Theobald Chivers of the Texas Historical Society pointedly told Beck after calling in to his show to complain.

Beck, in a statement released after the broadcast, sought to distance himself from his on-air commentary, noting that he is “an educated man.” Said Beck, “I may not have completed my advanced studies in Early Christology, but I sure as hell graduated high school.

“Why is it that all white people think that they have to correct all of the ills of and protect everybody else?” asked Beck rhetorically. “Because everybody else is so little-child-like, needs to be taken care of.”

Rather than take the blame for the show’s fallacious content, Beck demanded the resignation of Stan Burger, his head writer and executive producer. Beck allowed that Burger would be welcomed back as a qualified researcher if and when he receives his high school diploma.

Apologizing profusely for the “countless inaccuracies and misstatements” he helped propagate over the years by feeding his boss poorly researched talking points, Burger vowed to return to finish the 9th grade history class that prematurely ended his secondary education decades ago.

Burger claimed he “tried to create an illusion of intellectual understanding on the show,” which is available via streaming video at TheBlaze. “I armed Glenn with some chalk and wire-rimmed glasses because that’s what my teachers had back before I dropped out of school, and they were plenty smart.”

“I’ll admit that a lot of what Glenn sold to our audience as historical fact came not from any textbook but from drug-fueled, paranoid blather with my pals after the show,” Burger explained.

“Glenn only called Bob Costas a ‘sanctimonious piece of crap’ on Monday’s program was because ‘sanctimonious’ was one of my SAT words, and I tried working it into the script,” Burger told reporters.

“But I want to make it clear that Glenn is not to blame for any factual errors. He has a diagnosed attentional disorder associated with making careless mistakes and forgetfulness. Blame me or an especially gullible audience, if you have to.”

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