Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market.

Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want to ensure premiere customers continue returning. One ton of glacier ice sells for about $1,000 on the black market, and a whiskey on glacier rocks will cost you about $30 a glass.

Glaciers have been disintegrating three times faster than in the 1970s, according to the World Glacier Monitoring Service at the University of Zurich. Scientists there have also noted that the average glacier has melted 25 feet since 1997. It used to be believed that this rapid glacier disintegration was because of global warming, but it is actually thieves chipping off the top of glaciers to make a quick buck.

The three-year study conducted by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change found that hundreds of glaciers from Greenland to Argentina have been struck by thieves, accounting for about 90% of glacier disintegration over the past 40 years. This means that glaciers have actually been melting at the same rate that they always have been, debunking several global warming theories.

“It seems to be that global warming isn’t true,” said outspoken environmentalist Al Gore. “I do believe that ice theft needs to stop immediately, but those whiskeys on glacier rocks are so damn good. The salt and liquor mix is simply delicious once it hits your lips.”

Similar sentiment about glacier theft is running rampant among officials across the globe.

“Glacier theft needs to stop,” said Interpol president Khoo Boon Hui. “But not until everybody tries a shot of Black Label served on iceberg chunks. Until then, we will turn a blind eye to this, and at least we now know that global warming isn’t real anymore.”