HEAVEN – With the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI at the end of February, The Lord God Almighty is once again dreading the coming isolation thrust upon Him as the world awaits the formal formation of a Conclave to elect the new Supreme Pontiff- the one individual in all of creation with a direct line of communication to God.
“This is a difficult time for Our Almighty Lord,” said His Eminence Cardianl Ennio Antonelli, President Emeritus of the Pontifical Council for the Family and a member of Roman Curia. “It is not uncommon for Him to speak with the reigning Pope three or four times a day. Now, with the resignation of His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, who is The Lord going to call at 3 a.m. when he gets a flash of inspiration for a new edict? There is no one. He is alone.”
For nearly the last 600 years, the time between Popes has been a difficult one for The Lord God Almighty, but not debilitating, as he’s generally been preoccupied in Heaven introducing the just-deceased Pope to everyone and helping him settle in. Not since the resignation of Pope Gregory XII in 1415 has He been forced to twiddle His thumbs without anything to take His mind off of His unparalleled loneliness.
“God’s a chatty deity,” explained Rev. Joseph W. Koterski of Fordham University, President of the Fellowship of Catholic Scholars. “For example, He famously rediscovered His love of soccer during the 2002 World Cup and spoke to Pope John Paul II after every game. The two of them were in constant contact during Italy’s disappointing 2-1 loss to South Korea in sudden-death extra time.”
A number of religious figures have stepped up and offered to serve as Pen Pal to The Lord during this Popeless Time, most notably Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in California, Archbishop Angelo Bagnasco of Genoe, Italy, and Claude Vorilhon, leader of the UFO-based religion Raelism. All offers have been politely declined because, according to one source close to God, “It’s just not the same.”
Ironically, some of God’s most trusted advisors warned him that this might happen. “Pope Benedict V was deposed in 964 and Pope Benedict IX was deposed in 1044, bribed to resign in 1045, and resigned again in 1048,” said Cardinal Angelo Sodano, Dean of the College of Cardinals and noted Papal trivia fiend. “The Benedicts have always been the black sheep of the Papal chain.”
Requests for comments from God on his plans were not returned, but Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, Secretary of State of the Roman Catholic Church told reporters that The Almighty would be spending his days between Popes in prayer, meditation, and otherwise ignoring the plight of mankind.