HEAVEN — After Rep. Michele Bachman (R—Minn.) claimed last weekend that she can prove humans are living in the Biblical end of days, God has come down from on high to declare that Bachmann herself is proof that His earthly plans are drawing to a close.
In a statement read by God spokesperson Archangel Michael, the Almighty Lord revealed that Bachmann is “one of the most obvious signs that these are mankind’s final days.”
On Saturday, Bachmann told Christian radio host Jan Markell that President Obama’s recent decision to waive the United States’ ban on arming terrorists in order to aid Syrian rebels is evidence that “we are in God’s end time history.”
“Michele Bachmann is sort of half correct,” read His statement. “The leaf is definitely on the fig tree, but she’s the one who put it there.”
“I had a feeling that politicians like her would claim that a black president is the end of the world, but blame shalt not fall entirely on the president,” the statement continued.
The Almighty Lord also declared that floods in Colorado, killer hornets in China, and Miley Cyrus’s tongue are also harbingers of his “just and holy wrath.”
The statement indicated that Michele Bachmann’s eyes are a “dead give away” to her strong ties to the end of humanity. “They remind Me a little bit of Satan’s, only a little more round and less beady.”
Surprisingly, God declined to admit that terrorists are a sign of the end times, saying, “That’s more of a Mohammed thing, honestly. I can’t really speak to that, only to say that the Middle East was flawed from the start, and Muslims are doing their best to cope with a shitty situation.”
The Almighty Heavenly Father concluded his statement by announcing that the world would end as soon as He is able to reach a deal with Jesus and the Holy Spirit on a decree.