HEAVEN — Saying that He could no longer accept getting credit for everything that ever happens in the entire world, God — the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful entity worshipped by billions worldwide — has decided to step down at the end of his current term.
The massacre of twenty-six people, including twenty elementary school children in Newtown, Connecticut, was apparently the last straw.
A source close to God said that He heard the various religious leaders at the prayer vigil thanking Him for His grace, His compassion and His love, and He just couldn’t take it anymore.
“He told me, ‘I did nothing. I stood by and let it happen. And yet they all heap praise upon me,’” said the source. “God went into a bit of a funk after that.” It was reportedly then that God decided it was time to fill out His term and make way for a more activist deity.
The problem appears to stem from a lack of communication between God and man.
“God has been causing floods, plagues, famines and whatnot since time immemorial, but in the past He would at least offer an explanation: towns were filled with sodomites, the world was beyond redemption, yada yada yada,” the source said. “Eventually He got tired of explaining himself.”
Instead, God just let it leak that He worked in “mysterious ways.”
“That was the beginning of the end,” the source said. “We could see He wasn’t going to be as ‘hands-on’ anymore.”
While God has pledged to remain neutral in the race to replace Him, He has dropped hints indicating that He would prefer it not be Cthulhu or L. Ron Hubbard.