OUTER SPACE — The 262-foot wide asteroid that The Lord God in Heaven has shot across our planet’s bow as a warning to all mankind to turn from our lives of sin or face His wrath will come within 604,500 miles of Earth on Saturday, and will likely be mistaken once again as a random celestial event.
“The rock’s about the size of a city block,” explained Don Yeomans, a planetary scientist at the famously secular Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in California. “Which is big enough to do some serious damage if it hit us, but since it’ll be nearly 2 1/2 times as far away from us as The Moon, there’s nothing to worry about. Just another big rock in space.”
Upon hearing Mr. Yeomans dismiss His latest message as routine, God reportedly slapped his palm to his forehead. “It’s like they’re purposefully ignoring me,” He said. “It’s a good thing I’ve got limitless patience, or I’d be blowing a gasket right about now.”
NASA discovered the asteroid, which they have dubbed 2013ET because they do not have a creative bone in their bodies, less than a week ago- a fact scientists attribute to its small size and the vastness of space rather than to it having been created out of nothing at that exact instant by The Lord God in Heaven.
“There are a lot of dead rocks floating around out there,” said JPL Director Dr. Charles Elachi. “One day one of them is bound to crash into the Earth and end all life on the planet, but thank God this one ain’t it.”
213ET is the latest in an escalating series of near-misses God has thrown at us recently as He tries to get our attention. Just last month, an asteroid of planet-killing size missed us by just over 17,000 miles on the very same day that a smaller asteroid exploded over a lightly-populated area of southwestern Russia, injuring 1,500.
“You would have thought that would have gotten people’s attention. I mean I wasn’t exactly subtle,” said God. “But instead of species-wide penance, all I got was a ton of YouTube hits.”
According to a source close to God, speaking on condition of anonymity, He has become very worried about what mankind is doing to Earth, specifically with regards to first causing and then utterly ignoring Global Climate Change. “He loves the Earth and all His creations,” said the angelic source. “And frankly, he’s a little pissed.”
While resigned to having His message either ignored or misinterpreted yet again, God said he still had faith he’d eventually get His message through our thick skulls. “I’m sending three asteroids within 10,000 miles of you guys on Easter Sunday,” He said. “Then I’m thinking a bunch more of those ‘explode-in-the-air’ ones that got you all worked up last month. You couldn’t ignore that, right? If I sent them once a week for a couple of months? Would that sink in? Because honestly, you guys are as dense as the Dinosaurs.”