NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Sales
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
    • Life Insurance
    • Pet Insurance
    • Renters Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • US

Godzilla to Remain in Retirement; America’s Infrastructure will Destroy Itself, He Says

  • May 28, 2013
  • NewsLo
  • One comment
  • 2 minute read
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

ODO ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – Godzilla—the giant, radioactive mutant sea creature of cinema infamy—said yesterday that he will not return from his 15-year-long retirement, defying many who expected his imminent return to America. The Japanese Destroyer-of-Cities says he will continue spending his days idly, relaxing off the coast of Odo Island, because he “doesn’t believe [his] services are really needed at this time, since America’s infrastructure is falling apart just fine on its own.”

Godzilla, communicating via Skype, told reporters that at one point he did indeed consider mounting a comeback. “There were a few months in late 2008 and early 2009 when it looked like America’s roads, bridges and buildings might get rebuilt—and, as you know, there’s nothing I like more than violently demolishing recently-renovated infrastructure.

“But since then, the whole issue has just fallen off the radar,” the monster continued. “America’s infrastructure is in such bad shape, smashing it would just be too easy. I can’t work unless I feel challenged, you know?”

Godzilla—who was last seen destroying the New York skyline in 1998, when he enjoyed a brief but public flirtation with rapper and producer Sean “Puffy” Combs— said that he made his final decision when he heard that two US bridges—one in Missouri, and a heavily-trafficked bridge in Washington state—had collapsed in less than a week. Remarkably, no one was killed in either incident, but Godzilla said “it just goes to show you how shitty the bridges in America have become. Why waste my time pummeling them when they’re just going to self-destruct anyway?”

Indeed, an investigation conducted by the Associated Press found that thousands of bridges across the United States are vulnerable to similar collapse, and the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) called the Washington collapse a “wake-up call.” Despite the fact that around 66,000 American bridges—crossed by millions of people each day—are considered “structurally deficient,” public spending on infrastructure has “plummeted” since 2008, and is currently at a 20-year low.

Godzilla cited the latter figure when he announced his decision. “I mean, come on,” he said. “Even I think that’s disgraceful, and I absolutely despise bridges.”

With his plans for reemergence postponed indefinitely, Godzilla says he wants to focus on his many hobbies, which include performance fire-breathing, “yard-saling” for used TVs to smash, and, “admittedly, spending way too much time playing Candy Crush Saga.”

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • America's Infrastructure
  • American infrastructure
  • bridges collapsing
  • news humor and satire
  • sites
  • what will godzilla do now
NewsLo

Previous Article
Jimmy Carter Flip-Flops on Pot Legalization After Smoking Some ‘Laced Shit’ 1
  • Politics

Jimmy Carter Flip-Flops on Pot Legalization After Smoking Some ‘Laced Shit’

  • May 28, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
Next Article
#NoNeedToSatirize: White supremacist resigns from Gov. Nikki Haley’s re-election campaign 2
  • NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: White supremacist resigns from Gov. Nikki Haley’s re-election campaign

  • May 28, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
You May Also Like
best franchises to own
View Post
  • US

5 of the Most Lucrative & Best Franchises to Own in 2020

  • NewsLo
  • March 16, 2020
ted cruz religion refugees
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • US
  • US-Feature

Ted Cruz News: “Helping Texans Is Not Like Helping New Orleans, Hurricane Sandy Was Righteous”

  • NewsLo
  • August 28, 2017
rand paul news
View Post
  • Featured
  • US
  • US-Feature

Rand Paul: “We Don’t Care If Trump Is Found Guilty Of Cheating During Election, He Legally Has The Power To Pardon Himself”

  • NewsLo
  • July 25, 2017
ken ham tax
View Post
  • Featured
  • US
  • US-Feature

Ken Ham: “God Owns All Of Earth And Everything On It Anyway, So Why Should He Pay Tax To Himself? It’s Pointless”

  • NewsLo
  • July 23, 2017
Trump: “Pastor Robertson Is A White Humanity Lover And The Fact That He’s Not Allowed To Say That About Me Is A Violation Of Religious Rights Freedom” 3
View Post
  • Featured
  • Religion
  • US
  • US-Feature

Trump: “Pastor Robertson Is A White Humanity Lover And The Fact That He’s Not Allowed To Say That About Me Is A Violation Of Religious Rights Freedom”

  • NewsLo
  • July 14, 2017
Trump Compares Ivanka To Syrian Children: “She’s Also Suffered A Lot As My Daughter, Had To Move Between Countries All The Time Just Like Them” 4
View Post
  • US
  • Latest Lies
  • Today's Headlines
  • US-Feature

Trump Compares Ivanka To Syrian Children: “She’s Also Suffered A Lot As My Daughter, Had To Move Between Countries All The Time Just Like Them”

  • NewsLo
  • July 9, 2017
allan parker
View Post
  • Featured
  • US
  • US-Feature

Allan Parker: “God Intervened And Prevented Trump’s Mother From Having An Abortion So He Would Become President And Put A Stop To It”

  • NewsLo
  • July 8, 2017
C-SPAN Caller Calls To Outlaw Single Moms Because They Are “Taking Us Back To Caveman Age When Men Just Bred Women” 5
View Post
  • Featured
  • Health
  • US
  • US-Feature

C-SPAN Caller Calls To Outlaw Single Moms Because They Are “Taking Us Back To Caveman Age When Men Just Bred Women”

  • NewsLo
  • July 5, 2017
1 comment
  1. Irwin B. Platzner says:
    May 28, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Funny…Great Satire!!! Sharing on The Platzner Post Facebook facebook.com/ThePlatznerPost , and Twitter https://twitter.com/ThePlatznerPost

    Log in to Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.