PALO ALTO, Calif. — Web giant Google announced today that it will relocate its Washington, D.C. offices to just a few blocks from the U.S. Capitol in order to monitor the activities of the U.S. government.
“We don’t need to get caught up in whether Google knew that the government was using its customer’s data,” said Google CEO Larry Page. “I mean…we did. But we’re trying to make amends. So in order to win back the faith of our customers, we at Google want to give the public the opportunity to do to the government what the government has already granted itself the right to do to the public: spy on them in real time.”
“This is bullshit,” wrote Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) in a Gchat conversation with her husband. “Edward Snowden is a traitor and so is Larry Page. H8 them so much right now.”
“Personally, I don’t give a fuck if they can hear me,” said Texas Gov. Rick Perry in a video Gchat with his mistress. “I always say whatever the hell I want anyway.”
Just as the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court has significantly expanded what private data the government may legally obtain in the name of foreign intelligence and terrorism prevention, Google plans to expand the type of data that the public may access in the name of getting even.
In addition to making government documents, emails, chats, videos and search histories publically available, Google will use its new office location to install wiretaps and cameras throughout Capitol Hill. The information gained from this surveillance will be available through a new feature called Ghill, which Page describes as “like an exaggerated version of GoogleEarth.”
Page was hesitant to discuss whether Google’s move to Capitol Hill was also an effort to increase its lobbying presence. The corporation closely monitors patent law in order to curb the number of lawsuits filed against it by patent owners.
“Look, obviously what we do has always involved a little bit of privacy invasion and copyright infringement,” relented Page. “I mean, we own your emails. And we let the government read them. But now you can read theirs too, so don’t worry about our lobbyists, okay? Jesus Christ, there’s no pleasing some people.”
Though some customers are still leery of the scope of Google’s reach, public support for its new program has been overwhelmingly positive.
“Google’s corporate motto is ‘Don’t be evil,’ and we’re trying to live up that,” said Page. “Ball’s in your court, Obama.”