Google Finally Admits to Being Evil

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Recently uncovered court filings have revealed that Google believes reading Gmail customer’s emails qualifies as ordinary business practices, and that they have been doing so since the introduction of the Gmail service. According to the uncovered documents, Google believes that  “all users of email must necessarily expect that their emails will be subject to automated processing.” These stunning revelations have forced the tech giant to admit that it is, in fact, evil.

“I don’t see why this is such a shock,” said Google Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt. “Like other large corporations, Google is in the business of making money. Since we don’t actually produce anything, we make our money by gathering large amounts of information and selling it to advertisers, governments, terrorists cells, whoever can pay. As I said in the court documents, Google policy is to get right up to the creepy line and not cross it.

“But then, of course, we do cross it. Big time. Because we’re evil,” he added.

“I knew it!” cheered John Simpson, privacy project director for Consumer Watchdog, the organization that uncovered the court documents. “I’ve been trying to tell people about the total evilness of Google for years! Ever since they bought DoubleClick back in ’07! That just reeked of evil!”

Simpson pointed out a particularly grievous example of Google’s evil, described in the documents:

“Just as a sender of a letter to a business colleague cannot be surprised that the recipient’s assistant opens the letter, people who use web-based email today cannot be surprised if their communications are processed by the recipient’s ECS [electronic communications service] provider in the course of delivery.”

“How is that not evil?” he asked.

Asked about the analogy, Schmidt rolled his eyes. “We’re not saying the Post Office should open your mail before delivering it, which is more or less what we’re doing to all your email,” he explained. “We’re saying that the people who own the paper you write your letter on are legally allowed to intercept your letter, open it and read it, make note of anything interesting contained within, and sell that information for a profit.”

“Which, now that you mention it, does sound rather evil,” he added, before cackling maniacally.