WASHINGTON – Republicans today proposed an amendment to an anti-abortion bill which would allow for the implementation of miniature sex toys to be inserted directly into the uteruses of women who are pregnant and expecting a boy.
The amendment came after Congressman Michael Burgess (R-TX) argued for the passage of HR 1797 – the original bill, which would ban all abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy – on the grounds that 15- or 16-week-old fetuses masturbated. “Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful,” said Burgess, a former OB/GYN. “They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain?”
Upon hearing Burgess’s testimony, Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee Bob Goodlatte (R-VA) leapt to his feet in shock. “These little guys are beating the bishop in the womb?” he cried. “My God, we have to do something! Christ, if we can put a man on the moon, surely we can stuff a blow-up doll up a woman’s hoo-hoo!”
Democrats, already condemning HR 1797 for being based on a refuted study claiming that fetuses can feel pain at 20 weeks after sperm meets the egg, are in an uproar over the new amendment. “Are you freaking kidding me?” asked Congresswoman Louise Slaughter (D-NY). “One ultrasound shows a fetus’s hands floating between his legs and suddenly you want to ram this amendment through the House? So now we go from trans-vaginal ultrasounds to trans-vaginal sex toys? Could you disrespect women any more?”
Republicans countered that the amendment had nothing to do with their so-called “War on Women” and everything to do with helping unborn fetuses better transition to their new life. “Just because he lives inside his mother’s womb doesn’t mean a child can be denied his God-given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” said strongly anti-choice Congresswoman Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), who will be leading the debate on HR 1797 on the House floor. “I’m told by the male members of my caucus that this is very much in line with a young boy’s pursuit of happiness, however icky it may seem.”
Congressman Burgess then presented a series of poster boards depicting different ways select male-pleasuring items could be miniaturized and inserted to enable the fetuses to better experience their masculinity. “Many of these instruments are inflatable,” he explained. “And could be fitted with a small hose leading out through the mother’s legs to a portable air pump which she could carry in her pocket or attached to her thigh like a garter.”
Asked by reporters if the amendment would include instructions on how to insert female masturbatory tools, such as nearly-microscopic dildos into the uterus for the benefit of female fetuses, Goodlatte shook his head. “No, I don’t think anyone could support that,” he said. “We wouldn’t want to give birth to a bunch of whores, now would we?”
18 comments
lololololol That’s so fuuunnnnyyyyyyyy For those of you don’t know this is a joke click show the facts and the highlighted parts are the facts the rest is humor.
This is satire? Thank god! As far off as the republicans are, I actually was thinking this could happen. 🙂
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It will take a lot of research, by a lot of dedicated people, to come up the the correctly-sized toys. I see this as the next yet-to-be-exploited growth industry. Get on board. The happiness of your fetus shouldn’t have to wait.
Maybe that’s why my nose is big,?, pulled the wrong………………..
what a bunch of nimrods.
These a$$holes are REALLY loosing it. This is the most ridiculous bullshit I have ever read. These Republicans out do themselves every week with something stupider than the week before. An actual MD came up with this? His concern about putting miniature inflatables up in the womb just cracks me up..But his remark about miniature objects for female fetus’s would make them a whore just shows you what the Republicans think of women. You women need to get out , and VOTE! This House of Reps is full of imbecile Republicans.
The thing is, the perv Congressman who started this actually believes male fetuses pleasure themselves on purpose because he saw their stump of a hand touch the stump of their penis…seriously…he thinks these little guys are masturbating in uetero! And of course if he saw a female fetus touch her genitals…it would prove what sluts women are!
Joke or not, it’s in line with the repubs thought process. They most likely have a ” Friend ” in mind to give the patient for the products….for a ” Fee “, it may be the insurance companies, they love screwing people………………..
This is how they relate to the masses? They even resurrect McCarthy through Cruz? No wonder Hillary already has three hundred mil for her run without once stating Ill run.
Outstanding! I laughed so hard my sides hurt. 😀
please tell me this is fiction…
LOL if liberals were not completely set on genocide in any form of innocent looking ways of personal choice this would be believable liberal came up with this rather then republicans. LOL I wonder if we would create an island for liberals to live on how long it would take for them to kill themselves off? They can have all the “gay” marragies, abortions they want with no interference from us cold hearted value pushing conservatives who only desire to destroy fun and oppress everyone we meet:)LOL:)
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