WASHINGTON — Republicans took the Senate floor today to blast the Obama administration, charging that President Barack Obama knowingly and with malice chose a confusing location as the site of the Benghazi embassy scandal.
“He could have had his scandal in some place decent, like Paris or London, but instead he chose a place on the map that’s really, really difficult for most conservative-leaning individuals to find,” complained Republican Sen. John McCain. “I have constituents coming up to me all the time asking what exactly the president did wrong, when are we going to impeach him for it and where in the world is this Benghazi place anyway? He did this on purpose!”
GOP officials are on the defensive after a recent poll found that 39 percent of responders who believe Benghazi is the biggest cover-up of all time don’t know where Benghazi is. “It is not that we don’t know geography,” continued McCain. “It’s that this administration has purposefully and systematically undermined the study of maps in order to cover up this horrific scandal.”
While there is no concrete evidence that the Obama administration has removed Benghazi from maps of Libya, the GOP remains insistent that their lack of knowledge is the commander-in-chief’s fault. “Obama has made geography absurdly boring in an effort to cover up for his drastic failure in protecting Americans,” said McCain.
Republicans remain optimistic that even though their party base has no grasp of even basic geography, they still suspect atrocious government malfeasance abroad, as evidenced by the same poll finding that 74 percent of Republicans maintain that the Benghazi scandal is worse than Watergate.
“When the public finally learns the truth about Benghazi, that President Obama personally did some very bad things having something to do with the matter, they will demand justice,” said Republican Sen. Bob Corker. “And if for some reason they don’t, then they’ll really demand justice over the way Obama forced them to deal with geography. Nobody likes geography.”
“It is the job of the president to keep Americans safe,” said McCain. “Under a Republican president this would never happen. Sure, under the Bush administration a suicide bomb killed a U.S diplomat in Karachi, gunmen attacked our embassy in Syria and the American embassy in Yemen came under mortar fire, but that was totally different.”
The President refused to comment on the new accusations, but one reporter did spot him rolling his eyes and muttering, “You have to be fucking kidding me.”