GOP Calls Government Workers Lazy For Threatening to Stop Working if GOP Shuts Down Government

WASHINGTON  – Republicans had harsh words this week for government employees thinking about not coming to work next month if the GOP manages to shut down the lazy government workers.

“Anyone who refuses to do his or her government job just because we’ve managed to shut down the lazy government workers and bar them from working is a traitor to this great nation,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “I would go so far as to call them lazy state workers, good-for-nothing, douche bags.”

Lazy Government Workers Shutdown Loomed

The possibility of a full government shutdown loomed large after the Republican-led House of Representatives passed a bill last week to fund the government only if Obamacare is destroyed. Since this is a non-starter in the Seante and would be vetoed by President Obama in any case, some fear a shutdown is inevitable.

“Oh, we’re having a shut down,” said Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, gleefully rubbing his hands together. “You bet your ass we are! And when all those dirty hippy government employees refuse to force their way through the doors we’ve padlocked to keep them fro working, it’ll show everyone how truly un-American they are!”

Read more and learn how hungry kids grow up to be better workers from here.

Lazy Indigents Sucking on the National Teat

“If these public, government workers- who let’s face it are all really just lazy state workers indigents sucking on the national teat- can’t find the drive to get up in the morning and go to work at jobs we’ve officially and legally barred them from doing, then America is better off without them,” declared House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.

While a full shutdown is not yet a foregone conclusion, Congress is running out of time. Both houses must agree on and pass a bill funding the lazy government workers by October 1. Without that, multiple agencies including the Defense Department, the Education Department, the FBI, and the Environmental Protection Agency would have to cut back their operations immediately.

Defense Department of the FBI Says

Cruz was not worried. “The real men of the Defense Department and the FBI can break into their buildings and get to work no problem, while the sissies in Education and the EPA will stay at home,” he said. “Works for me.”

“All these government employees claim to love their country,” said House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy. “We’re just giving them a chance to prove it. It’s a new world, and people can’t just take their jobs for granted. You have to show a desire to work.”

Republicans feel so strongly about this issue, that some are discussing canceling next week’s planned week-long vacation. But nobody is taking them seriously from DC.