GOP Concerned Over Dearth of Groups to Marginalize

WASHINGTON —  In an unprecedented push to court Hispanic voters in the wake of the 2012 elections, many Republicans are expressing concern that the number of groups they can safely discriminate against is rapidly dwindling.

Speaking from an RNC-sponsored séance to channel the late GOP Svengali and “Southern Strategy” mastermind, Lee Atwater, RNC chairman Reince Priebus acknowledged his party was facing a dilemma.

“Pinning immigration issues and drug crime on Latinos was a blast while it lasted,” said Priebus. “But now we can’t so much as win a taco eating contest without them.”

“Don’t worry,” added Priebus. “We’ll find another group to blame for all the country’s problems – or our name isn’t the Grand Ol’ Party.”

Arizona State Senator Neil Carbeneau described his discomfort with the new direction of the party. “Look, I believe rape is a crime, greenhouse gases trap heat from the sun in the atmosphere, and I collect Social Security and Medicare from the Federal government. You’d think I would’ve quit the party a long time ago. But I love me some prejudice. And if I can’t belong to a party where it is socially acceptable to hate gays, welfare queens, and wetbacks, then why the ‘H,’ ‘E,’ Double-Hockey-Sticks am I even a Republican?”

Seeking to unite Republicans’ prejudices behind a common foe, some GOP activisits are taking matters into their own hands. “We’re the party of makers, not the party of takers,” exclaimed editor Joel Smullcock “If we can’t find someone to demonize, we’ll have no choice but to roll up our sleeves and make up a straw man,” said Smullcock. “We don’t need to have anything handed to us – unlike a certain Kenyan-born, Muslim, socialist, fascist president who goes by the nickname ‘Hussein.’ ”

Not content with a classic political target, other factions within the party have been working hard to find an adequate minority group replacement – a scapegoat for America’s failures. “We’ve tried Arabs, but nobody can agree,” said Rep. Lamar Smith (R-CA). “Some say that’s so last decade – others say everyone already distrusts Arabs – but there’s no doubt we have to mix it up. ”  Members of the Church of Latter-Day Saints were briefly considered, but were dismissed for being “too vanilla, too Romney.”

“Romney’s Mormon through and through” said Smith. “Ever meet someone who felt extremely passionate about Romney?”

Not to be deterred, the 19-term Representative suggested that, for the time being, the GOP has decided to keep its sights set on the plague of American homosexuals, revealed several GOP insiders – many of whom were closeted insiders themselves. “Hatred toward gays seems to be something we can all agree on,” said Representative Ron Paul (R-TX).  In particular, Paul took aim at gay escort and prostitution services where male hustlers hawk their wares unfettered. “For some reason, a lot of colleagues really clammed up when I mentioned that,” Said Paul.

“Oh well” he sighed. “At least we’ll always have the blacks.”