GOP Congressman Ostracized for Naming Specific Program He’d Cut

WITCHITA, Kan. — Republican Representative Tim Huelskamp has found himself in hot water after a local interview in which he accidentally named a specific federal program he would cut in order to curb government spending.

“There’re plenty of wasteful government programs that can eliminated,” Huelskamp’s ill-fated interview began. “For example, we’re spending over $1.9 billion for marketing and regulatory programs in the Department of Agriculture, including three individual campaigns encouraging Americans to eat healthy food. We can cut two of those and save over $200 million.”

Reaction was swift as party members lined up to distance themselves from the Kansas Republican.

“I’ve never actually met this so-called Congressman Huelskamp,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor while quickly running up the Capitol steps and covering his face with his hands. “I mean come on. Huelskamp? Is that even a real name?”

“Tim’s always been a bit of a loose cannon,” explained fellow Kansas GOP Representative Lynn Jenkins. “Kansas Republicans can rest assured that I would never betray their trust by coming up with an actual position on anything. I’m in a specifics-free zone.”

Despite the best efforts of the GOP to bury the unforced gaffe, the Obama administration was quick to pounce.

“Representative Huelskamp has only given voice to what has long been known in Washington,” said White House Chief of Staff Jacob Lew. “Republicans will force-feed sugar and fat down the throats of your children to pay for tax cuts for the rich.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner attempted to put out the fire – known around Capitol Hill as The Huelskamp Blunder – at an emotional and hastily-called press conference. “Obviously this individual does not speak for the Republican Party,” he said. “We strongly believe that the only way for this country to balance its budget and find fiscal sanity is by proposing a series of large, unspecified, generic cuts in the discretionary budget, not by eliminating any actual programs.”

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9 Comments

  • Vicki Vinson Dalton
    Posted April 8, 2013 at 3:41 pm 0Likes

    Hey, at least the guy stood for SOMETHING… and spoke honestly… even if you disagree with him. Perhaps if both parties would stop sanctioning their members, we would get somewhere.

    • Sheila Henderson
      Posted April 8, 2013 at 9:30 pm 0Likes

      well no vicki he really didnt speak honestly, huelskamp was more than happy to celebrate Kansas Ag day with several members from @KSFarmBureau. and he didnt complain once about all the money that was spent on that ‘celebration’ its really just vegetables and frui that hes against….I dont think we grow a lot of broccoli in kansas so it really works out better for tim and his family and friends if we just eat a lot of cheeseburgers

  • Daniel Wood
    Posted April 8, 2013 at 3:09 pm 0Likes

    “Kansas Republicans can rest assured that I would never betray their trust by coming up with an actual position on anything.”

    ….. Is this from the Onion? This whole thing feels like it’s from the Onion.

    • ElijahhalijE
      Posted April 8, 2013 at 3:23 pm 0Likes

      Blasphemy. Of course it’s true. It’s on the internet!

      • Vicki Vinson Dalton
        Posted April 8, 2013 at 3:41 pm 0Likes

        LMAO

  • John Updike
    Posted April 8, 2013 at 3:10 pm 0Likes

    Blame the congressman if you want. Somebody elected the guy.

  • John Robles III
    Posted May 4, 2013 at 1:38 pm 0Likes

    It seems the right are getting more $tupid by the day!

  • Movin OnDwn
    Posted May 4, 2013 at 1:55 pm 0Likes

    US can become the Texas of food, and we can wait for the mass die-off.

  • The Platzner Post
    Posted June 9, 2013 at 2:09 pm 0Likes

    Great satire!!! 🙂 Sharing on The Platzner Post Facebook https://t.co/udqcbjU270 , and Twitter https://twitter.com/ThePlatznerPost

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