WITCHITA, Kan. — Republican Representative Tim Huelskamp has found himself in hot water after a local interview in which he accidentally named a specific federal program he would cut in order to curb government spending.
“There’re plenty of wasteful government programs that can eliminated,” Huelskamp’s ill-fated interview began. “For example, we’re spending over $1.9 billion for marketing and regulatory programs in the Department of Agriculture, including three individual campaigns encouraging Americans to eat healthy food. We can cut two of those and save over $200 million.”
Reaction was swift as party members lined up to distance themselves from the Kansas Republican.
“I’ve never actually met this so-called Congressman Huelskamp,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor while quickly running up the Capitol steps and covering his face with his hands. “I mean come on. Huelskamp? Is that even a real name?”
“Tim’s always been a bit of a loose cannon,” explained fellow Kansas GOP Representative Lynn Jenkins. “Kansas Republicans can rest assured that I would never betray their trust by coming up with an actual position on anything. I’m in a specifics-free zone.”
Despite the best efforts of the GOP to bury the unforced gaffe, the Obama administration was quick to pounce.
“Representative Huelskamp has only given voice to what has long been known in Washington,” said White House Chief of Staff Jacob Lew. “Republicans will force-feed sugar and fat down the throats of your children to pay for tax cuts for the rich.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner attempted to put out the fire – known around Capitol Hill as The Huelskamp Blunder – at an emotional and hastily-called press conference. “Obviously this individual does not speak for the Republican Party,” he said. “We strongly believe that the only way for this country to balance its budget and find fiscal sanity is by proposing a series of large, unspecified, generic cuts in the discretionary budget, not by eliminating any actual programs.”