GOP Criticizes Obamacare for Ineffective Death Panels

BOSTON – Republican leaders attempted to debunk a recent study out of Massachusetts, which offered evidence that the state’s decreased death rate since 2006 is a result of its universal health care system, the same system that served as a model for integral parts of Obamacare.

“What it really comes down to is utterly incompetent death panels, not this mumbo jumbo about socialist health care proactively saving Grandma’s life,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, R-Ohio, who once claimed that Obamacare may “start [America] down a treacherous path toward government-encouraged euthanasia.”

The term “death panel,” coined by Sarah Palin, is a euphemism for the Independent Payment Advisory Board, which, according to the former Alaska Governor, is a group of bureaucrats who decide whether sick individuals are worthy of Obamacare coverage and thus survival.

“Obama wanted these panels to decide the fate of sick peoples’ lives,” said Palin when she learned of the study. “Your coverage is denied, you go home, and you die. Pretty simple formula. Yet, these Democrats have gone ahead and botched the whole darn thing.”

Palin went on to say that while deep down she is delighted that peoples’ lives have been saved as a result of Obamcare’s shortcomings, “the principle of the matter” has forced her to point out the glaring errors in the “lazy” death panels.

“Laziness is one thing I just can’t deal with,” continued Palin. “If you say you’re going to do something, you better do it.”

When informed that the IAPB is not in fact a “death panel,” but instead a 15-person board which ensures that Medicare costs remain reasonable under the Affordable Care Act scheme, Palin could only guffaw.

“Six of one, a dozen of the other,” continued Palin. “Last time I checked, sending Aunt Barbara to an early retirement in heaven rather than Florida is a pretty good way to cut Medicare costs.”

Palin, who does not currently hold political office, says she won’t say “no” to a presidential run in 2016.

“First things first, I’d try to get rid of this health care nonsense,” said Palin. “If that wasn’t successful, I’d at least try to make sure these death panels worked hard and did their jobs, because that’s the American way.”

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