GOP Declares Itself Party of ‘New, Inclusive Intolerance’

WASHINGTON — Republican National Chairman Reince Priebus today announced that his party, after weeks of internal bickering over how it can broaden its base and reach more voters, has agreed to adopt a “bigot tent” philosophy, which embraces “a new, inclusive intolerance.”

“We cannot remain the party of intolerant old white men,” Priebus announced. “For our party to have a chance at winning future elections, we have to reach out to prejudiced, racist and sexist people of all persuasions–regardless of color, creed or denomination.”

Since the November 2012 elections, in which the GOP took a drubbing at the polls, the party has been engaged in fierce internal debates over how to move forward. The internecine battle has pitted the party’s most extreme “fringe” elements, who advocate playing only to “the base” with a return to ideological purity, against the more “moderate fringe” elements, who argue that the GOP has to acknowledge, however reluctantly, that minorities vote – at least until the Supreme Court does something to fix that.

The announcement today was seen as a big step towards reconciling the two sides.

Chairman Priebus went on, “Today we declare that the new ‘bigot tent’ GOP has room for haters, misogynists, and xenophobes of all stripes. For too long we’ve limited our appeal to White Christian bigots, forgetting that in America there are blacks who hate Asians, Asians who hate Latinos, Latinos who hate gays, gays who hate transsexuals, Jews who hate atheists, women who hate men and on and on. They all need a place to vent their irrational ravings.”

Priebus pledged that the GOP would “be that place,” and vowed to build a “rainbow coalition” of miscreants, although he acknowledged that it’s likely the different colors of that rainbow wouldn’t mingle.

“We can still stand together,” Priebus said, “While standing apart.”

A Democratic Party spokesman, who insisted on anonymity, admitted, “This scares the bejesus out of us. I think the Republicans have finally found a platform that will resonate with millions of Americans.”