GOP Declares Itself Party of ‘New, Inclusive Intolerance’

WASHINGTON — Republican National Chairman Reince Priebus today announced that his party, after weeks of internal bickering over how it can broaden its base and reach more voters, has agreed to adopt a “bigot tent” philosophy, which embraces “a new, inclusive intolerance.”

“We cannot remain the party of intolerant old white men,” Priebus announced. “For our party to have a chance at winning future elections, we have to reach out to prejudiced, racist and sexist people of all persuasions–regardless of color, creed or denomination.”

Since the November 2012 elections, in which the GOP took a drubbing at the polls, the party has been engaged in fierce internal debates over how to move forward. The internecine battle has pitted the party’s most extreme “fringe” elements, who advocate playing only to “the base” with a return to ideological purity, against the more “moderate fringe” elements, who argue that the GOP has to acknowledge, however reluctantly, that minorities vote – at least until the Supreme Court does something to fix that.

The announcement today was seen as a big step towards reconciling the two sides.

Chairman Priebus went on, “Today we declare that the new ‘bigot tent’ GOP has room for haters, misogynists, and xenophobes of all stripes. For too long we’ve limited our appeal to White Christian bigots, forgetting that in America there are blacks who hate Asians, Asians who hate Latinos, Latinos who hate gays, gays who hate transsexuals, Jews who hate atheists, women who hate men and on and on. They all need a place to vent their irrational ravings.”

Priebus pledged that the GOP would “be that place,” and vowed to build a “rainbow coalition” of miscreants, although he acknowledged that it’s likely the different colors of that rainbow wouldn’t mingle.

“We can still stand together,” Priebus said, “While standing apart.”

A Democratic Party spokesman, who insisted on anonymity, admitted, “This scares the bejesus out of us. I think the Republicans have finally found a platform that will resonate with millions of Americans.”

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18 comments

  1. guess he isnt aware of AZ’s new “bathroom bill”, where it makes it a crime for transgender people to use the bathroom they want to..which was in response to a Phx City ordinance banning discrimination against them ..tolerant my ass

  2. If it weren’t pointed out that this article was satire, I would have absolutely expected Reince Priebus (Latin for ‘Rectal Polyps) to have actually taken such a position and made such statements.

  5. Yea Priebus, you build that rainbow straight to Hell where you all of your liberalism are destined. Am I angry? Not in the least, just grateful that you have shown us your true colors. And yes, I am an Independent,White, bigoted, homophobic,gun carrying,God fearing Christian – and damn proud of it. You sorry excuse for a politician.

    2. 1. you do realize you are on a satire site, don’t you?
      2. boy are you nuts and dangerous

      1. hahaha, @facebook-100002901218263:disqus do you watch anything beyond Fox? Not trying to be rude, just asking. THIS IS SATIRE, SIMILAR TO FOX EXCEPT SATIRE HAS A GRAIN OF TRUTH IN IT!

        1. I think you’ve all been trolled, William’s response was satire as well.

  6. WTF!

    It is very evident with every new law, bill and budget that the Tea Party conservatives propose that they are intentionally trying to hurt women, elderly, disabled, minorities and the poor. We may be poor, black, and sometimes poorly educated, but we are NO fool!

  7. So the new talking points will be, all you blacks, queers, Native Americans, Jews, Hispanics and Asians. We just want to squeeze some money out of you and pretend that we like /you every 4 years. That is until you vote.

  10. GrandPa had a saying about the GOP years ago. Their motto should be, “The Reason We’re All Here Because We Anit All There”.

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