GOP Demands Obama Invent Time Machine, Persuade His Own Mother to Have Abortion

WASHINGTON – In a shocking new twist to the debt ceiling showdown, a group led by Congressman Joe Pitts (R-Pa.) has demanded that President Obama have NASA invent a time-machine that will enable him to go back in time and persuade his own mother to have an abortion prior to his birth.

“Obviously we’re against abortions, and against exceptions for rape and incest, but no one ever said anything about not having the ‘Obama prevents his own existence’ exception, so I think we’re in the clear,” said Pitts, who’s calling the bill “The John Connor Resolution.” The demand was the last in a series that included enacting the Paul Ryan tax reform plan, suspending carbon emission regulations, approving more offshore drilling and repealing Obamacare and the Public Health trust fund.

Experts believe that failing to raise the debt limit could initiate a global economic crisis, but many Republicans have said they won’t act on the issue until their demands are met.

Congressman Mark Meadows (R-NC), who has been vocal in his desire to defund Obamacare, was reticent when asked if this was a step too far. Meadows replied that “the voters in [his] district are just regular folks who want what’s best for the country, and, in this case, that means coming up with some kind of flux capacitor so the president can end his own life before he’s been born. It’s not unreasonable.”

Meadows did acknowledge that if a time machine were available they would be using it solely to prevent the implementation of the Affordable Care Act rather than the traditional option: killing Hitler. “Our hope would be that the alternate timeline created by Obama not being born would enable us to build time machines earlier in our history, and we could then go back and kill Hitler separately. Of course, this is just speculation right now, though.”

Meadows added: “Creating a potential paradox is absolutely worth it. I understand that it could tear through the fabric of both time and space, but I’m assuming that would also mean Obamacare wouldn’t come into effect. It’s really a win-win.”

“Obviously, we would ensure that Obama would be sent back during the first trimester,” said Pitts. “We would never allow for it to be late-term.”

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