WASHINGTON — An inconsolable Republican Party wept openly today after having its heart ripped to shreds by President Barack Obama. The political party, most recently seen finding comfort in the arms of austerity, claimed Obama promised them the moon as he wined and dined them at the Jefferson Hotel on March 6, but has been less-than-attentive since.
“He was so sweet and funny back at the hotel,” said Senator Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), who helped set up the March 6 event. “He really knew how to treat a political adversary. He made us feel every inch a Republican. It was a special evening. But since then? Nothing. I think he’s even un-friended us on Facebook.”
The GOP had hoped that things would move quickly after their unforgettable evening at the Jefferson with the President. In particular, they felt they had bonded with him over deficit reduction and had assumed that he would come back to them with details soon after. It was only when ‘soon after’ became ‘maybe in a bit’ became ‘eventually someday’ that realization sunk in.
“He’s a cold, cold man and I hope he rots in Hell. A very cold Hell,” said an unnamed GOP senator who was at the March 6 event. “Right now we just have 20 Republican senators meetings and talking to themselves. We feel so used.”
The Republican Party claims the White House has not set up a process for negotiating controversial reforms to Social Security, healthcare programs and the tax code. “It’s so not fair,” complained Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), who also attended the March 6 affair. “He said all the right things about making difficult choices and going after Social Security. I thought to myself, this is a Democratic President I can see a future with. But it’s been almost three months and we still haven’t even hashed out how we’re going to put together a bipartisan deficit reduction package.”
“When he told those of us at the Jefferson that night that he expected a deficit deal by August, I literally swooned,” said Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK). “It was like I was tasting the forbidden fruit of a Democratic President offering to adopt the chained consumer price index to curb the growth of Social Security benefits. But then I woke up the next morning and he wouldn’t return my calls, wouldn’t answer my texts. Now I hear him tell people he’d be OK if the deficit deal came in the fall, or the end of the year. Maybe even January. I just hate him.”
Coburn paused to wipe his tears with the back of his hand before continuing, “I’m totally deleting the playlist he shared with me and turning up Adele big time.”
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