SACREMENTO – Faced with dwindling support as the gubernatorial election nears, the Republican Party in California is resorting to “unorthodox tactics” in its effort to retake the governorship. One of the more novel strategies has been the party’s support for Glenn Champ, one of the Republican candidates hoping to defeat Gov. Jerry Brown this November, and who happens to be a registered sex offender.
Party leaders say that electoral success means “broadening the base by appealing to all populations, even if that includes would-be rapists.”
“It’s true that Glenn Champ is not the most traditional candidate for governor,” admitted Jim Brulte, chairman of the California Republican Party. Brulte noted that during the 1990’s Champ was convicted on two counts of assault with intent to rape, pled guilty to soliciting prostitution and carrying a concealed weapon, and was sentenced to 12 years in prison for voluntary manslaughter after killing a man with his car. “Yeah, it’s quite a rap sheet, but we’re hoping that Champ’s past can actually help us reach new voters,” Brulte said.
“Our data indicate that rapists and other criminals are generally pretty apathetic about politics,” Brulte continued. “It’s almost impossible to get them to the polls in off-years, but we’re hoping that having a guy like Champ on the ticket will get them excited again.”
“Voters like to identify with their elected officials,” said Republican state senator Bob Huff. “By running Champ, we’re hoping that every voter who has dabbled in rape or vehicular homicide will see that the Republican Party is looking out for their interests, too.”
Huff also noted that Champ has “passed the Jesus test” and is therefore “ready to be a strong Republican leader.”
Indeed, Champ claims that, during his time in prison, he was introduced to Christianity and decided to change his ways. “I never heard about Jesus Christ until I was arrested,” Champ said recently during a radio interview. “But once I got to know Him, I realized that all the bad stuff I did was somehow meant to prepare me to lead the great state of California.”
Polling indicates that Champ is the preferred candidate for members of both the Crypts and the Latin Kings, but even some law-abiding Californians are offering Champ support, if tepidly. “We’ve already had people like Nixon and Schwarzenegger running the state,” noted San Diego resident Kim Barclay. “I think California will survive a pro-rape administration.”