WASHINGTON — House Republicans announced this week that they are willing to compromise with President Obama over funding for his proposed asteroid-lassoing mission, but only after we have been hit by the asteroid that is currently speeding toward earth.
Many expected the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology to reverse last week’s decision to prohibit NASA from moving forward with its proposed Asteroid Redirect Mission—which would aim to guide an asteroid away from Earth into the Moon’s orbit—after scientists learned this week that an asteroid is, in fact, headed toward Earth. To the horror of the entire world, House Republicans have stood their ground.
“Scientifically speaking, the jury is still out on this issue,” said Senate Science Committee Chairman Lamar Smith (R-Tex.). “We don’t know if this thing is headed directly toward us. And even if it is, we still don’t know if it will reroute at the last minute without our help. I firmly believe that this is just a benign aberration that needs to run its course.”
Alarmed NASA scientists responded by begging House Republicans to approve the mission immediately, refuting the idea that there is any “scientific debate” about whether the asteroid will extinguish the flora and fauna of an as-yet-unknown locale.
“Look, if Obama’s so-called asteroid does crash into the earth, then we will of course be willing to discuss the possible benefits of his fancy plan,” Smith continued. “But I just don’t want to go wasting billions of taxpayer dollars until we have all of the facts.”
NASA officials maintain that the mission is an important and necessary use of tax dollars, since it will save the lives of the taxpayers who fund it, as well as the rest of humanity. Republicans have nonetheless found plenty of other things that they do not like about the proposed mission.
“My primary goal is to launch American astronauts into space on American rockets from America,” said Rep. Steven M. Palazzo (R-Miss.), referencing the fact that NASA would carry out the proposed mission with an unmanned spacecraft. “Even if Obama’s so-called asteroid really is headed for earth, taking jobs away from taxpaying Americans and giving them to Godless robots is not the way to fix it!”
“Asteroid-denying” Republicans responded to Palazzo’s remarks on the House floor with thunderous applause, while others present wept uncontrollably.
“I’m still not convinced by Obama’s alarmist claim that we will be hit by what he has prematurely chosen to call an ‘asteroid,’ ” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio).
“Furthermore,” continued Boehner, “I must say that we don’t even know what the long-term effects of a potential asteroid impact would be. Obama claims that the impact would have devastating consequences, but I think his reasoning is a little premature. Who’s to say that an asteroid impact would be entirely negative? I just think we should look at both sides of the issue.”