GOP: ‘Path to Citizenship will Lead Straight into Canada’

WASHINGTON — Leading Republicans today unveiled their party’s plan for comprehensive immigration reform, a legislative package they say will “finally put the issue of illegal immigration to rest,” and “save the United States billions by avoiding an expensive round of deportation.” Describing the plan, House Majority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), said: “We’ve finally found a ‘Path to Citizenship’ we and our constituents can endorse—a path that leads straight into Canada.”

The GOP’s proposed legislation calls for the construction of a massive “one-way, illegal alien superhighway” that will begin at various points along America’s southern border and end in the Canadian territory of Saskatchewan. “It’s sort of like a giant funnel,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told visibly perplexed reporters. “’The Path’—as we’ve taken to calling it—will gently guide illegals through the United States and deliver them to our neighbors to the north.” Worried that “illegals” might veer off course and enter American territory, lawmakers added a provision requiring that thirty-foot-high concrete walls meant to prevent “unnecessary spillage” border the path.

Democratic lawmakers are calling the plan “ridiculous and offensive,” although some, like Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH), are simply happy to have a “starting point for a conversation.” “It’s a terrible, idiotic idea—but at least it’s something,” Senator Brown said, “which is more than the GOP has managed thus far.” Indeed, Republican lawmakers have been staunch in their opposition to any immigration reform, and have only recently begun to show signs of vague intentions to compromise—although most analysts believe the GOP feels it “must” move on immigration or risk extinction as America’s demographics change.

“We believe this is a humane solution,” Rep. Steve King (R-IA) said. “Canada’s not so bad a place to live for these people—a little cold for their Latino blood, perhaps. But at least they won’t be our problem.” Rep. King recently urged “caution” on immigration reform, saying that because the perpetrator of the as-yet-unsolved Boston Marathon bombings “may have been a foreign national,” the United States needs to be careful who is allowed entry into the country. “This is definitely a cautious approach,” Rep. King said. “As long as we keep them on The Path, they’ll never get a chance to bomb us—literally, with bombs, or metaphorically, with their stinky taco farts.”