LUBBOCK, Texas – In a strange turn of events, Republican candidate Mitt Romney implied last week that, contrary to his official platform, he would not seek to outlaw abortion if elected president. The Romney campaign immediately disavowed the statement as a “misquote,” reportedly at the command of a secret council of cloaked GOP overlords. One leaked memo among party officials explained, “Mitt seems to have forgotten about our deal with the evangelicals – I’ll just shoot him a quick email reminding him about the blood oath situation.”
Confused by Romney’s frequent policy shifts, pundits have long wondered who is really in charge of the Republican campaign. Every time the candidate switches to a more moderate position, days (or sometimes minutes) later Romney seems to recant. These new revelations suggest it is a secret society of cigar-smoking, entitlement-reforming cultists responsible for Romney’s apparent flip-flopping.
According to one member of the cabal, who wished to remain anonymous, upon announcing his candidacy, Romney spilled a half-pint of his own blood as part of a combination blood-oath/tax pledge to the Religious Right. “All-Powerful Reagan, here my words,” the pledge reportedly begins. “I will deliver unto thee six virgins for the harvest, and yea, will I defund National Public Radio.”
The oath—supposedly penned by tax expert/sacrificial goat-wrangler Grover Norquist—ensures the full support of the Religious Right behind Romney. Now, four years later, the former Massachusetts governor must fulfill his end of the bargain.
The Romney campaign, in order to satisfy its blood-hungry constituents, has requested a complete reformatting of next week’s presidential debate. Instead of answering questions about policy, Romney will gather a crowd of thousands in an enormous fire-filled pit, where he will tie Jim Lehrer to a giant spinning wheel turned by running mate Paul Ryan. In order to prove his loyalty to the darkness, Romney will then plunge his hand into Lehrer’s chest, pulling out the former debate moderator’s heart to the crowd’s roaring chants of “Kali Ma.”