GOP Show Sympathetic Side with Billionaire Relief Bill

WASHINGTON – After receiving negative press as well as rebukes from some of their own members over the House’s initial refusal to take up the Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill, Republican leadership today switched gears and introduced the Relief For Important People Act, a bill intended to show that they care about their fellow man.

“When our caucus chose to table the Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill, people called us cruel, mean, heartless, evil and even pernicious,” said House Republican Conference Chairwoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington. “Pernicious means harmful. I looked it up.”

“Our problem with the Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill was not that it helped people,” said Majority Leader Eric Cantor of Virginia. “It was that it helped the wrong people. It helped regular folk, nine-to-fivers, nobodies. But every charity organization in the country is sending money to those people, why should the government pile on? We wanted to help out the overlooked victims of these tragedies, which is why this bill will send billions of dollars of emergency government funding to where it can do the most good. Mainly Charles and David Koch and Sheldon Adelson.”

Democrats were quick to accuse Republicans of class warfare. “This bill is nothing but a giveaway to the usual subjects,” said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “Nowhere in the text does it spell out relief for George Soros, Warren Buffett, or a single member of the Hollywood elite aside from Kelsey Grammer, and I’d hardly call him elite.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner stated his hope this new bill will convince everyone that Republicans are nice people. “We’re not pernicious,” he said. “The government only has so much money to hand out and we need to make sure it’s going to the right people. I mean you read the list of victims of Hurricane Sandy, people who lost their entire homes, and you can’t recognize a single name. With our bill, everyone who gets taxpayer dollars has either already accrued a large net worth or made a substantial donation to the Republican Party. Usually both. Now those names I recognize. Those people I care about.”