CLEVELAND — Presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted in a post-election interview that with the Republican Party’s long-standing endorsement from God, the election should have been “in the bag.” He further explained that he was shocked to realize that in this day and age, “Jesus just isn’t enough.”
“The fact that U.S. Citizens will no longer blindly follow 2,000 year old doctrine and rely on present-day celebrities instead is pretty disappointing,” explains Republican campaign manager Travis Benton.
To date, celebrity endorsements have become a fixture in American presidential campaigns. During the 2012 election, the Democratic party was able to receive valuable endorsements from notable celebrities such as Beyoncé and Jay-Z, while the Republican party scrambled to gain any human support at all.
Susan Collins, Republican congresswoman from Maine, says that the party has fallen on hard times when it comes to celebrity recruitment.
“During the 2012 campaign, all we really had was Clint Eastwood, and the only thing he did was talk to a chair,” she said.
Independent sources confirm that the Republicans were so desperate for celebrity endorsement after Eastwood’s “chair rant” that undisclosed amounts from campaign funds were offered to leading male action stars who fit the Republican party’s ideal image of the strong, promiscuous patriarch.
Following Mr. Eastwood, Republicans courted former James Bond actor and honorary U.S. citizen Sean Connery. While the Scottish actor was mildly interested in the offer, he reported that he was too busy beating his wife to make any appearances.
When addressing the 2016 election, Benton explains, “The celebrity support for 2016 will really depend on the state of the economy. While we would like to continue offering generous donations in exchange for celebrity endorsements, in the long run it might actually be cheaper for the party to stick with Jesus.”
