GOP to Balance Budget in 10 Years with “Super Special Surprise Cuts” to Be Identified in 10 Years

WASHINGTON — The five-member GOP team tasked with balancing the federal budget within 10 years announced today their success in achieving their goal through what they are calling “Super Special Surprise Cuts” that will be announced in 10 years.

House Budget Chair and former vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan (R-WI), who is leading the effort, proudly said today that his budget, entitled “The One True Path to Prosperity,” balances the budget without raising taxes or naming any specific program to be cut for the first ten years. When pressed for specifics, Ryan exclaimed, “The only proper functions of a government are: the police, to protect you from criminals; the army, to protect you from foreign invaders; and the courts, to protect your property and contracts from breach or fraud by others.”

Democrats lashed out at the budget, saying it was yet another giveaway to the rich. “Ryan’s One True Path leads not to prosperity, but to plutocracy!” decried Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “At least that’s what I have to assume, since the actual plan consists of three pages of Sudoku puzzles followed by the phrase ‘and then the magic happens.’ ”

Ryan waved away accusations that by refusing to raise revenue he was balancing the budget on the backs of the poorest Americans. “Let me give you a tip on a clue to men’s character: the man who damns money has obtained it dishonorably; the man who respects it has earned it.”

Ryan promised that when the Super Special Surprise Cuts are revealed a decade hence, history will hail him a genius. Huffington Post Senior Politics Editor Sam Stein pointed out that it would be seemingly impossible to keep the draconian cuts needed to balance the federal budget a secret while still enacting them, to which Ryan replied, “Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.”

President Obama has declared the new GOP budget dead on arrival, even with the promise of Super Secret Cuts, saying that any budget that does not raise revenue will is a giveaway to the wealthy.

Ryan replied, “Until and unless you discover that money is the root of all good, you ask for your own destruction.”