WASHINGTON — Hoping to no longer be known as “The Stupid Party,” a majority of Republicans believe the GOP needs to reshape its image so that it can instead be known as the “Really, Really Stupid Party.”
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal made an issue of the party’s stupidity recently, particularly with many of its statements and positions in the last year. Energized by Jindal’s leadership, many Republican loyalists are now taking this idea and running with it.
“The problem with the last election is that we allowed our primary system to choose the so-called smart candidate out of all of the nominees,” Republican advisor Ry Twinger explained. “We can all see how well that worked out for us. Our base voters just couldn’t identify with the smart candidate. We need to move away from the center and away from rational thoughts.”
On the topic of global warming, for example, Republicans will step up their fight against what scientists who study the world tell them.
“First of all, I’m not really sure it’s even a globe,” Tea Party member Don Tsan said. “I’ve never seen the world looking round at all. Common sense tells you that it’s flat, just like common sense tells you that that the world is not warming up. If global warming was such a problem then why do we still have ice cream?”
Evolution is also expected to be a hot topic for the national party.
“So according to evolution, we all are descendants from the a singe cell phone? That’s just crazy,” Republican Larry Samuel said. “I believe that the earth is only about 50 years old anyway, so how could any of that all happen?”
“We fought the Revolutionary War to free our country from Great England and so we could be free to be a Christian nation,” Samuel added.
Issues like “legitimate murder” and beating up smarty-pants liberals are expected to be hot topics in the next wave of Republican primary elections, where most of the campaign speeches will be given at monster truck rallies and professional wrestling matches.