WASHINGTON — In the wake of this month’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), Republican leaders today excitedly introduced to a collection of GOP lawmakers CPAC Shakur, a right-wing ‘rapper of color’ with ‘street-cred’ who will serve as the GOP’s ambassador to African-American youths.
“With Ted Cruz, Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio in the fold, we are changing the face of the Republican Party,” said RNC chairman Reince Preibus, as he introduced a glowering Shakur to a nervously smiling GOP audience. “But with CPAC Shakur taking our message to the streets, we feel like we will, at last, be able to connect with ‘Those People.’”
Clad in an American flag doo-rag and sporting knuckle rings that spelled “SMALL” on the right hand, and “GOVT” on the left—along with a solid gold chain that bore the likeness of Ronald Reagan—Shakur addressed his Republican brethren. “Yo, my conservative peeps. The time has come to get the word out to the ‘hood about our principles and vision for keeping America the greatest nation of Earth. Low taxes, strong defense, and a zealot-like compulsion toward make voting more difficult. All while living up to the ideals of Barry Goldwater and Ronald Regan.” Upon mentioning the right-wing icons, Shakur produced a 40-ounce bottle of Old English malt liquor from a paper bag and poured some on the floor.
“Only God and the unregulated free markets can judge me,” he added.
“He’s just the kind of representative we need to boost our credibility with minorities,” said South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. “He’s got everyone in this room on the edge of their seat with anxiety – I mean energy. When is he leaving?” After Shakur bid farewell to begin a 12 city ‘White Castle-stop’ tour, attendees reflexively checked to make sure they still had their wallets and phones amidst an audible collective sigh of relief.
Upon hearing the news, the Democratic Party introduced Biggie Guvs, their own brand ambassador whom they hope will blunt Shakur’s influence.