WASHINGTON — After minority groups voted resoundingly Democratic in the 2012 elections, the GOP has been grappling with how to remain a viable national party in an ever diversifying, 21st century America. Today the Republican National Committee unveiled its proposed solution to this problem – an aggressive campaign to undermine the Voting Rights Act, or VRA, of 1965.
Coming on the heels of the Supreme Court striking down Section 5 of the VRA, which stipulates that states with a history of disenfranchising minorities must get federal approval before changing local voting requirements, RNC chairman Reince Preibus said the next step of the program “really took care of itself.”
“First, we had to listen,” said Preibus, noting that the “party of Lincoln” had not received significant African-American support in generations. “We spent a whole week sending brave representatives into black communities to find out what mattered most to them. Frankly, the results were terrifying. Our urban ambassadors came back pale as sheets.”
“Just when you thought the GOP couldn’t get any whiter, huh?” Preibus said with a chuckle.
The research revealed that the issues minority groups found most pressing tended to revolve around equality under the law, doing away with police profiling, and access to affordable health care.
“According to our Ebonics-ologists” said Preibus, “translated into English this means ’We want free stuff from the government.’”
With the Court’s decision in place, the GOP is in prime position to craft its perfect response. “It’s important for Those People to know that government is evil,” said Preibus. “So evil that they should have no interest in taking part in deciding who runs it, what it does, or how that might affect them.
“You’d think that after hearing this for hundreds of years” he added, “they’d take the cotton out of their ears and get the message.”
Critics fear that this will lead to a new era of attempts to restrict the ability of minorities to vote through the use of voter identification laws and other restrictive measures. Proponents of the ruling say there is no cause for concern.
“In no way will this discourage blacks from voting,” said Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. “Take [Justice] Clarence [Thomas] over here. He’s colored and he voted for this decision.”
When asked if he concurred with that sentiment, Justice Thomas looked over at a nodding Scalia, then nodded in the affirmative himself.
Next on the agenda are women voters, who, sources say, “will not believe” what the GOP has in store for them.
If you can’t win legally will take it illegally. They are a gutless party who should quietly go into exstinction like dinasours.
It takes me forever to realize I’m reading comedy.
THIS WOULD BE A LOT FUNNIER IF IT WASN’T TRUE.
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