Gov. Jan Brewer Won’t Seek Reelection, Vows to Spend More Time with Undocumented Family

PHOENIX — Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer’s decision not to seek a third term has been overshadowed by her stunning admission that she will spend her new life with a second family of undocumented immigrants that she has kept secret for over a decade.

Brewer, a Republican who became governor in 2009 after her predecessor became secretary of homeland security, announced her intentions at the elementary school she credits for kicking off her career in public service.

“Looking back on these 30-plus years—from that first school board meeting right here at Park Meadows Elementary School to my final stretch as governor of Arizona—I feel immensely fortunate,” said Brewer, indicating that she had been “sustained by the most important presence in my life: my faith and my family…”

Brewer then choked back tears before continuing, “…and my second family.”

Brewer told the assembly, “You may not know this, but two of my own children attended this very school when they were your age.” Casting aside her prepared remarks, she then added, “You also probably didn’t know that at night I sneak back into the school to visit my secret second husband in the janitor’s closet down the hall.”

“I’m sure the press will want documentation of this love affair, but the truth is, I can’t give it to them,” said Brewer to the sound of snapping cameras. “Not only does the state not recognize my polyandry, it just so happens that Juan is an undocumented immigrant.”

She blamed the controversial anti-immigration bill she signed into law, Arizona SB 1070, for driving a wedge between her politics and her consort. Now Brewer is having second thoughts about her role in its passage.

“I knew the political risks if the press discovered that I was sleeping with an illegal alien, so I tried pushing Juan away the only way I knew how—with a law designed to root out illegals and send them packing.”

But soon she “noticed the toll the law has taken” on her state’s reputation, the dignity of the many undocumented workers in Arizona, the school system, and her heart.

“Juan told me that if he ever was to see me again, I would have to get rid of the police cars in my motorcade. The sirens made him nervous.

“And so, after completing this term in office,” said Brewer, “I will be doing just that” and spending more time with her second family in a “more welcoming state, like California.”

A spokesman for the governor confirmed to reporters that Brewer’s decision not to run for a third term “was a very personal decision” that she made “in consultation with her family—I should say families.” Should she have wanted to run, Brewer could have found a way around the state’s term limits and “done so believing she would prevail,” according to the spokesman.

“Love conquers all, you know—el amor conquista todo.”