ATHENS – The Hellenic Parliament of Greece has unanimously voted to activate a time machine that will return the nation of Greece to its cultural and political zenith of 411 B.C.
Greece, which has struggled for years with a destabilizing debt crisis and soaring unemployment, was once the birthplace of democracy and Western Civilization, home to the great minds of Socrates, Aristotle, and Cicero. Now waist-deep in austerity cuts and at risk of being booted from the European Union, the Greek government feels bending the laws of space and time is their best option.
Speaker of the House Filippos Petsalnikos addressed the nation Tuesday saying, “We were once the pride of the Aegean. Now we’re a global laughingstock. What do we have – yogurt?”
A recent Gallup poll suggests that over 90% of the Greek population strongly agrees with the proposition and would gladly sacrifice electricity, automobiles, and modern medicine in order to live in the Classical Era.
“I for one am very enthusiastic,” said President Karolos Papoulias. “I can’t wait to wear a chiton.”
Over the past five years, Greece’s top scientists and engineers have worked around the clock on a time-travel device that will be able to transport the nation back to its pre-Christian roots. Insiders claim that the machine should be completed by mid-October, just in time for the Dionysia Festival.
Enraptured citizens of the Mediterranean peninsula have already begun preparing for the move, including Thessalonikian attorney Petros Cosmatos, who responded to reporters in traditional Corinthian costume. “I’ve been praying to Zeus and Apollo daily,” said Cosmatos. “I also bought tickets for opening night of Aristophanes’ Lysistrata and a couple events at the Olympic Games.”
Prominent European countries including the U.K., Germany, and France fully support Greece’s decision to relocate to the fifth Century B.C., as they would no longer have to routinely bail out the bankrupt nation that once showed so much promise. German economist Dr. Walther Fritz claims Greece’s departure will save the E.U. trillions of dollars in just a few years.
“Greece is done,” said Fritz. “If they ever want to be a great nation again, they have to travel back in time.”
If successful, the land that Greece occupies in the current time continuum will be re-distributed via lottery. Top contenders include Albania, Turkey, and Miami-based entrepreneur Jim Cohen.
