LONDON — The Guardian’s Glenn Greenwald, who first published Edward Snowden’s intel about the U.S. government’s PRISM program, revealed in a recent interview that Snowden still possesses enough information to cause the U.S. serious harm.
“The U.S. government should be on its knees every day begging that nothing happen to Snowden,” Greenwald said, “because if something does happen to him, all the information will be revealed and it could be [the U.S.’s] worst nightmare.”
“And I’m not just talking NSA blueprints,” Greenwald continued. “I’m talking embarrassing, egg-on-your-face-type shit. Like hacking King Jong Un’s Pinterest account. Or stealing Putin’s famous gingerbread recipe. Or – okay, I should stop talking now,” Greenwald said. “You wanna go ahead and delete the last 30 seconds of tape?”
After the interview leaked, U.S. government officials vehemently denied the gingerbread reports, claiming Greenwald’s words were simply part of an anti-American smear campaign.
Meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin voiced great displeasure when he learned of the news. “They stole what?” Putin barked. “How is that even – those monsters. That recipe has been in my family for fifty years, and now I must watch as America waters it down for use in some shitty bakery chain? It’s not fair,” Putin said through a veil of tears.
“I’ve caused quite a little shitstorm with my big mouth, haven’t I?” Greenwald remarked. “The NSA is a laughingstock now, I’ve lost Snowden’s confidence, and Putin is a hot mess.”
Other world leaders – particularly those in Latin America, who, according to Greenwald, must also worry about U.S. spy operations – have found amusement in the recent revelation.
“Look at big bad America,” quipped Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro. “What’s next? Is the NSA going to steal my wife’s tres leches recipe?”