Groupon Apologizes for Nazi Past

CHICAGO — The popular online discount aggregator, Groupon.com, came to terms with its Nazi-era past yesterday, apologizing to the public for “providing the Nazi party with heavily discounted goods during the Second World War.” An investigation by Newslo, Inc. found evidence that many of the online discount websites, including LivingSocial, Groupon, and AmazonLocal were involved in selling bedspreads, electronics, and pet mattresses to Nazi party officials and supporters during the War.

In one particular correspondence, a member of Groupon’s sales staff refused a written request by Sir Winston Churchill for “two thousand portable radio docks in neon green and chameleon blue,” as the British ran low on communications equipment during the bombardment of London and other British cities during the 1940s. In another letter, dated December 15th, 1942, SS Leader Heinrich Himmler thanks LivingSocial for “those vunderful Egyptian cotton shits,” and requested “az many shelffing units as you kan provitte mine soldiers.”.

Groupon’s founder, Eric Andrew Mason, who was born in 1984, expressed sadness and regret at the results of Newslo’s investigation, promising he would do what he could to atone for his company’s wartime activities. “We’re deeply ashamed of our business dealings during the [Second World] War, and hope that customers will accept our heartfelt apology,” said Mason, whose friends claim he had no involvement in the former Gruppen’s business activities. Mason added, “Obviously, I wasn’t alive during the War, and I even kind of doubt that our company existed before 2006, but that doesn’t absolve us of providing low prices to the Gestapo, Nazi party apparatchiks, and the German army at various times throughout the war. I am working closely with survivors of the war, in addition to the ADL, to ensure that we can make amends for our past actions.”

LivingSocial was less forthcoming, with its founder insisting that the company wasn’t even “conceived until a few years ago.” Time O’Shaughnessy insisted that “at no time in our history have we been involved in Nazi-affiliated activities during the Second World War. We are certain of this.” When confronted with documents uncovered by Newslo staff showing that Lufthwaffe and high-level Nazi officers ordered silk comforters, lava lamps, and a wide assortment of robotic room vacuums during the last three years of the war, O’Shaughnessy called us a “bunch of hacks.”

“While we’re obviously puzzled at how a company that didn’t exist could have been involved in such wartime atrocities, we are not yet ready to doubt the documents provided to us by Newslo,” said Abraham Foxman, the head of the ADL. “Where did you get those documents, exactly?”