WASHINGTON — Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) today told reporters that there has never been a better chance for passing strong anti-gun legislation, and that all that is needed to get over the hump is one more gun massacre to push Congress into action.
“Sandy Hook really greased the wheels, and for a time it looked like we’d get something done that would save lives,” she said. “But then a couple of hours passed and folks started getting calls from [NRA Executive Vice President Wayne] LaPierre and the moment was lost.”
“There’s a narrow window of two to three weeks after a nasty slaughter during which Congress can realistically pass gun control legislation,” explained Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT). “Our problem was that the Sandy Hook tragedy happened a couple of weeks before Christmas, and Congress just didn’t get its act together. Then the holidays came and there was a Super Bowl and the urgency was lost.”
Against the advice of her colleagues, Senator Feinstein pushed ahead with a proposal to ban 157 models of assault weapons, as well as ammunition magazines containing more than 10 bullets. The proposal passed the Senate Judiciary Committee in a 10-8, party-line vote in March, but nobody in their right mind expects it to go anywhere in the full Senate unless a large number of white children are once again ripped to shreds by an assault weapon or two.
“As an American citizen, I would love to do something to battle the plague of gun violence threatening our country,” said Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), a member of the Judiciary Committee who voted in favor of the assault weapons ban. “But as a U.S. Senator, I know that’s not going to happen. We work on a carrot-or-stick basis. Right now, the NRA is spanking us with a very big stick to let bygones be bygones.”
“Now, give us another horrific school shooting and we’d be back in business,” he added.
In addition to the ban on assault weapons and high-capacity magazines, Congress is poised to do nothing on a measure to increase federal sanctions against those who purchase guns for those barred from doing so themselves. Another proposal to require background checks for every gun purchase is likewise expected to be dead on arrival, despite the measure being supported by 90% in a recent CBS poll and by 85% in a recent FOX News poll.
“What people don’t realize is that any new gun control legislation puts us on a slippery slope towards the government taking away all of our guns and shuttling everyone into internment camps,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “The only way to remain free is to do absolutely nothing about gun violence. So the American people can rest easy, because doing nothing is right in Congress’ wheel house.”
“It’s important for everyone to remember that there hasn’t been a serious, multi-child shooting in almost four months,” said Senator John Cornyn (R-TX). “And that period of calm has occurred without their precious universal background checks. Why would we want to rock the boat now?”
“You see what I’m up against?” said Feinstein, throwing her hands into the air. “The only time these idiots get any balls on gun control is when precious American children lose their lives. Maybe I should go out and buy a Bushmaster XM15 and gun down a bunch of kids. That’d get the Republicans’ attention, don’t you think?”
Reporters are pretty sure she was speaking hypothetically.