Hallmark Channel to Release Special on Ex-Cop Cop Killer

LOS ANGELES — After fugitive ex-cop Chris Dorner’s quest for vengeance ended with his death in a cabin fire, the Hallmark Channel announced its release of a movie based on his story set to air this Thursday evening.

In an unprecedented move, the Hallmark Channel reportedly bought the rights to the story before its conclusion; they are still shooting the ending. However, Hallmark has already faced criticism over changes made to the story’s plot in an effort to keep the movie “family-friendly.”

“We don’t want to take an official stance on whether or not Dorner’s actions were in any way understandable,” said George Fischer, the network’s Publicity Coordinator. “It’s just – made-for-TV movies are pretty much all we have, and for us to nab it before CBS or HBO – that’s a big win for us.”

In the Hallmark version, several non-union actors play Chris Dorner as an oafish but lovable cop who investigates a missing diamond with the help of his hyper-intelligent dog, inadvertently foiling the plans of a bumbling pair of criminals along the way.

In reality, Dorner was a former Naval Reserve lieutenant and Los Angeles police officer who testified against fellow officer Teresa Evans for excessive force. Dorner was terminated based on the LAPD’s claim that he had falsified his report, while Evans was made a sergeant. It is speculated that this incident drove Dorner to seek revenge through grave acts of violence.

“I think families will appreciate our take on the story,” said Fischer, defending the channel’s decision to have Dorner express himself primarily through Bean-esque mumbling and comical gesticulations in order to avoid words like ‘murder’ or ‘butt.’ ”

“Believe me,” he concluded, “as soon as our rights on the story expire, you’ll have a dark, gritty, spouse-abusing Dorner, courtesy of Lifetime.”