Hamas Accuses Al-Qaeda of “Terror Monopoly”

GAZA CITY — In a speech on Friday, Hamas political leader Khaled Meshaal accused Al-Qaeda of stifling terror competition while continuing to expand its own power base. Meshaal argued that Al-Qaeda’s terror stronghold and recruiting practices constituted “anti-competitive behavior,” and said he planned to bring an anti-trust case against the organization to a United States court.

“We may hate America’s religion and foreign policy, but no one loves the free, open market as much as the United States. This is why we plan on bringing our case to their Zionist courts,” said Mashaal. “It’s important that young men looking to dangle from monkey bars, shoot vacantly into the distance, and eventually commit acts of unspeakable malice know they have options.”

While almost all potential terrorists around the globe are familiar with Al-Qaeda, Osama Bin Laden’s famed terror network, far fewer are familiar with Hamas, Palestine’s militant Islamic organization which has been accused of numerous human rights abuses.

“When I think terror, I think Al-Qaeda. It has instant name recognition. It’s like the Coca-Cola of militant Islam. I get their recruitment letters almost weekly,” said Muhammad Rahma, a young Saudi Arabian considering a life as a terrorist. “To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what Hamas is. Also, their name has way too many soft consonants to be in any way intimidating.”

While most American leaders say the United States absolutely should not hear the case, law professor Aaron Devoe argues it’s America’s only option.

“In the United States, we take fighting terrorism seriously, but it’s also important that we continue to make sure markets – be they for pharmaceutical, industrial, or yes, even terror-based – remain as free and open as possible,” said Devoe. “Anything less would be anti-American.”