Hamas Turns to Breeding Lions as Suicide Bombers

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip – Hamas has reportedly started to breed and train lions as suicide bombers in order to “bring unmitigated destruction to all of Israel,” according to Hamas leader and Prime Minister of the Palestinian National Authority, Ismail Haniyeh.

“We have grown weary of the constant criticism regarding our use of children and women to blow Israel to smithereens,” explained Haniyeh, “so we decided to use lions to bring about these same results. Because quite frankly, not many people have a reason to complain about a few dead feline carcasses.”

Haniyeh was practically gushing as he discussed the “bellicose nature” of the two lions bred thus far. The first lion, Sjel, is named after the 2012 military conflict between Hamas and Israel, while its sibling, Fajr, is named after the Iranian-made missiles that Hamas fired in the conflict.

“Sjel and Fajr may be cute and cuddly little balls of sunshine now,” continued Haniyeh, “but just wait until they’re bursting into a West Bank hookah café with a bomb strapped to their backs and an appetite for destruction.”

Haniyeh went on to explain that both Sjel and Fajr—the first lions born in the Gaza Strip—are the offspring of lions smuggled from Egypt, which has injected them with a “pre-ordained hatred for Zionism.”

“Suicide missions and the reclaiming of Islam’s rightful lands—it’s in their blood,” continued the Hamas leader.

Haniyeh predicts that the project will continue to reap benefits for the foreseeable future, although one opponent in particular—the Middle Eastern chapter of PETA—has made this task quite difficult.

“Spare me the animal rights drivel,” said Haniyeh. “First we took flak for sacrificing humans, and now we hear the same about animals? I think PETA should get the hell out of our way and let us have a good old-fashioned Holy War with some suicide-bombing lions.”