Hannity: Good Old Fashioned Racism Just Doesn’t Win Elections Anymore

NEW YORK — After losing several key electoral races, including the presidency, conservatives are starting to wonder if a racist, sexist, homophobic message was somehow the wrong approach to take in winning a popular vote. This revelation has caused prominent Republicans to apparently flip on key issues, particularly those affecting Latino voters, who voted overwhelmingly in favor of the President. Perhaps most unexpected was Fox News pundit Sean Hannity’s announcement that he now favors a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants.

“We learned some hard truths on Election Day,” said Hannity during his Thursday night show. “For whatever reason, Latinos did not respond to our message of ‘Go back to Mexico.’ This just isn’t the country we grew up in anymore—the country where race-baiting and segregation were short-cuts to political office.”

But some have been critical of Hannity’s convenient post-election epiphany. “Yes, I was all for self-deportation and carding brown people last Monday,” defended Hannity, “but I don’t think it’s shameful opportunism to change my position days after finding out that platform loses elections. It’s very shameless, in fact.”

“President Obama has some great ideas,” admitted House Speaker and newfound moderate John Boehner. “And I just realized that 48 hours after Election Day. Isn’t that interesting? I don’t think so.”

But Boehner insists his values are consistent. “Listen, I still want to electrify the border fence and treat immigrants like dirt. I’m still a Republican. But you can’t say that out loud and expect to keep your seat. I see that now.”

Analysts say expressing the GOP platform was perhaps the key tactical blunder made by Republicans this election cycle. “Conservatives remain resolute in our values,” Hannity said to Newslo. “But those values are offensive to most voters.”

Insiders predict the façade of moderation will be felt party-wide. Republican National Committee Chairman and guy you want to punch really hard in the mouth, Reince Priebus, says the GOP will be taking less extreme stances on the issues in the future. Priebus says the party is even entertaining the idea of changing its official motto—It’s Good to be White—to something more inclusive.