It Will Destroy Our Manhood 

America is about getting out there in public and showing everyone within a three-mile radius that you are tougher and more virile than they could ever be. The best and most effective way to do that is with your legs wrapped around a rumbling Harley, ripping down Main Street at fifty miles per hour. It’s all about the decibels, baby. Every time a child starts crying or an old lady covers her ears in pain, you know you’ve made your point–that you’ve got a package too big to fit in a four-wheeled vehicle–and that’s the most satisfying feeling there is.

But the “engine” in this new Harley is entirely silent. That’s right: Instead of bystanders watching you pass and thinking, “Wow, there goes a real man, one not afraid to disturb the peace,” all they’ll see is a well-mannered eunuch whirring quietly down the street.

Let’s face it. With this bike, Harley-Davidson is turning thousands of us into transsexuals. Because everyone knows: No combustion engine means no penis, literally.  

It Will Strangle Our Freedom

One of the best parts of owning a Harley is just hitting the roads on a whim—taking off and driving for however long you like, not knowing where you’re heading (but pretty sure you’re headed to a river lot party where you heard there was a keg of Coors).

With the LiveWire, that kind of open-road freedom won’t be possible anymore.

This thing can only go 50 miles before it needs a charge, which isn’t even enough for the round trip to most backwoods strip clubs. Its top speed also clocks out at an embarrassingly menstrual 92-mph. I think my grandmother’s Hoveround can beat that, and I can tell you this: there’s probably more dignity riding in a motorized scooter, too. 

Hippies Will Be Riding Harley’s 

It’s inevitable–once America’s hippie horde finds out they can experience the joys and sexual arousals of riding a Harley, but still be “green” while doing so, they’ll be selling all their most precious hemp jewelry and foregoing the next Phish festival to save up for a LiveWire. I don’t blame them–if I was a smelly, keefer-encrusted hippie, I’d want in on the Harley action too.

But you know what? They’re not welcome. Harley isn’t just a motorcycle brand–it’s an entire culture, a closed society with no room for dreadlocks and pot (unless they also come with tattoos and meth). Take it from me: Once hippies start encroaching into our territory, we Harley die-hards will stop riding all together, rather than be forced to share the road with them.

And just remember: There can be no America without platoons of hirsute, heavy-bellied men roaring across Her highways, bringing joy and the smell of sweaty leather to every town and dive bar in which they stop. Without us, American has about two weeks before it becomes, essentially, Canada.

No Gasoline Means the Liberals Win

In war, you cannot give an inch, or you’ll end up giving a mile.

This bike, the LiveWire, is like ceding an entire county. “What’s the big deal?” you ask. I’ll tell you what the big freaking deal is.

This thing runs with electrical power only. Take a minute to reread that sentence. Sure, maybe gasoline is bad in some ways, but it’s all we know—and the Democrats are coming for it.

If they take away our gasoline—sweet, sensual, carbon-rich gasoline—the liberals—and they are everywhere, I can assure you—will only become emboldened and start taking away other things too. What if they just decide that chain wallets are hurting the environment, or that ZZ Top causes bird extinctions? Will they take away those, too?

You’re goddamn right they will. That, and a whole lot more.